Sorry
I’m sorry.
I was overjoyed when I found out that I was pregnant, and more when I learned that I was having a baby boy. I only ate the best choice of healthy food while you were in my womb. I walked very slowly afraid that I might slip and hurt you. Your father was ever careful driving me to the hospital when it was time for our checkup. He even got cursed at because of that. But it was alright for us, after all, it was you whom we were protecting.
When you came out in this world, tears of joy filled our eyes as we gazed at your fragile wholeness. You were so small. Your father wouldn’t even carry you the first time, afraid that he might drop you. But he let your little hand rest on his pointing finger. I thanked God for you, as His wonderful gift.
When we brought you home, your nursery room was all ready to welcome you. There were toys everywhere though you couldn’t play with them then. We painted your room walls with red, black and white and in different shapes because we were told that those were the first colors you’d appreciate. We would always play classical music because we were told that it would help your brain development. “Please Lord, help my son grow up a wise man.”
I breastfed you because it was the best for you. I didn’t mind eating the most nutritious of food and gaining weight just so you’d grow a very healthy boy. We didn’t mind sleepless nights. You were far more important to us than the time we spent sleeping. We were fond of staring at you as you slept peacefully. Once again, I whispered thanks to God for giving you to us.
All our exhaustion went away when you smiled and giggled. We made great fuss to every little sound you uttered. And when you first said ma-ma… I was on cloud 9. Your father and I jumped up and down when you first stood without our help. It was even caught on tape. And your first step! We even had a party because of that. I took your footprint that day. “Please God, protect him as he grows older.”
We didn’t want you to get sick so we surrounded you with all the disease prevention we got our hands on. We were always first in line when it was time for your vaccination. But even with all the prevention, you still caught flu. We couldn’t sleep for days. We were at your side nursing you back to health. You got well. I was very grateful to God that He healed you.
Your first birthday was a bomb. There were clowns and mascots. There was even a puppet show. Everyone was there with us celebrating your first birthday. You were all smiles and you even tried to jump! I took your handprint that day. “Please God, let him grow a happy man.”
There were times when you got a spanking from me or from your father because you were a little naughty. But after the spanking, of course you’d cry, but you’d also give us a kiss and a hug. And yet again, I thanked God for giving you to us, our sweet little thing.
You were smart. You know how to turn on the electric fan and even the button on the remote control for your favorite tv channel… cartoon network. And when I think about it, I think you knew when I was sad. Because when I got fired from work, I came home and went straight to our room to lie down and cry. I didn’t know you followed me. You got up to our bed, lay your head on my shoulders, put your arms around me and started to sleep. You might not know it, but I was uplifted. “Please God, help us nurture our son in such a way that he’d grow up a man sensitive to other people’s needs.”
Days flew so fast and your second birthday came. We didn’t have a party as extravagant as the first one because we thought of enrolling you to a school. So, instead of a huge celebration, we just invited those who we thought were closest to you. We thought it was healthy for you to associate with kids your age. So, we enrolled you to an international school. We were happy with your progress. You came home with stars on your hands and I knew you were proud of yourself for earning those stars. I beamed and thanked God for sending you to us.
You were our joy. We had it all planned out for you. But of course, we were ready to change our plan in case you wanted a different direction. Like your course in college or whatever it might be. We were just here to guide you as you make your own decisions.
But we were not ready for you to go. I am very sorry… my son… my sweet little thing. I tried to protect you from all harm. But I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. It’s too painful to think about. You must be very afraid but too confused to understand what was happening then.
I’m sorry. I didn’t know that the decision we thought was the best for you would be the catalyst to the end of all our dreams for you. I certainly don’t know why this happened to you, but it seems very unfair. You’re too young. Mere two-year old. I tried to give you all the love and all the protection I could offer, but a single bullet on the head ended it all. I’m sorry I wasn’t there by your side. You must be too afraid. I’m very sorry. I’m very sorry.
But then I know you must be happy now in heaven. You’ll not cry anymore. You’ll not experience confusion or fear anymore. But you’ll have pure joy with Jesus by your side.
For now, yes, I’m crying because I sure will miss you—your smile, your giggle, your hug, your kiss, your voice, your smell… your very presence. But I’ll try to think that you’re now in a better place… far safer than your father and I could offer. Again, I’m sorry… I miss you… I love you…
Note: Wrote this in memory of the boy who got killed in the hostage taking in