CarizzCruzem

Fear… yes, that’s the word to describe my childhood, early and mid-teen years.  I was afraid of almost anything – men, being alone, speaking, trying then failing, and most of all fear of people finding out that fear in me. Thus, I hid my fears by being boyish. However, it didn’t work out that well. Some hated me and others became scared of me. I didn’t care at first but soon it worsened as years went by that I couldn’t feel anyone loving me anymore. Many things had happened before I finally had a breakthrough with fear. It was like learning in school then you must pass certain tests to prove that you have learned your lessons. I consider my first test to be when I came back to the Philippines from Malaysia alone for the first time.

It was December 19, 1999. I was 17 then. My Dad accompanied me to the country but he had to go to Vietnam so he left me like two weeks before I left Malaysia to come back to the Philippines. In the airport, my heart throbbed rapidly that I felt like it would jump out of my chest any moment. I was so afraid that I almost cried. But then, I was left with no other choice but to trust God that He would help me through it all without me bursting into tears. I took one deep breath, wore a smile then walked to the immigration officer. He asked me some questions then let me through. Malaysia had a HUGE airport. But I found the waiting room without getting lost. Inside the plane, so far so good, I made it alright half-way through the test.

When the plane touched down on the tarmac at NAIA at 3:00 PM, I relaxed a bit because I would soon see my family. The immigration officer welcomed me home. However, when I went to get my suitcase, I found out that it was with the 7:00 PM flight. So, my family and me ate first then went back to the airport to get my bag. They didn’t allow my parents to come with me inside the airport so I went inside alone. I was a little apprehensive because I knew I had to talk to airport officials, take note, just by myself! I felt like a volleyball because they tossed me from one building to the next. I walked twice to and fro like about 500 m each way on a rainy night without any covers for my head! And mind you, I was wearing high-heeled pair of sandals!!! Thank God… after being soaked wet from rain, getting cramps and a lot of discussion with different officers, finally at 10:00 PM, they got tired of me talking and gave me my bag, which actually arrived at 7:30 PM!

Now, tell me if you would trace any fear in me at that particular situation. It still shows itself once in a while but almost instantly it is replaced by inner courage. Not that I’m that strong now but I can safely say that I’m ready for whatever it is that will come my way, as long as I stay close with God.