Entries in category "My thoughts"

I am jealous.

I saw J's pic post thanking K for the packed lunch. It even has handwritten notes from K.

I don't like that I am affected like this. So I am thinking why I felt the way that I did. Maybe because K never did it to me before? But upon thinking further, if K did pack lunch for me and wrote notes for me, would I appreciate it? I'm thinking that I only feel this way because J has K's attention now. But before, when I have all of K's attention, I feel nauseated, smothered.

Now that it's not like that anymore, what am I going to do? I don't want to grieve everytime I see posts from J and K. I don't want to feel irritated everytime I see them doing sweet things for each other.

I hate it anyways. I don't want people to hug me. Well, it's fine, I guess. But since I am really fat, when people hug me, all I can think about are my flabby stomach and arms or my body odor or my breath.

I don't want people to notice me. So I shouldn't be affected if I get ignored. But why am I irritated? Why am I jealous. I shouldn't be.

Maybe because I'm thinking that K should get my permission?

Well I should accept that she doesn't see me as her sister anymore. She has moved on to some other person to consider as her sister. That if she won a million, I am not her prio anymore, not like what she used to tell me.

So I should align my feelings and priority. Maybe because I feel some sort of an imbalance? Perhaps it's just like that. Before, K is the only one I talk to most of the time and I know that K was the same way to me.

Now, she's still the one I talk to most of the time, but she has J this time. So I feel brushed aside.

I should align my feelings and priority based on what I am observing as feelings and priority of K. To bring back the balance.

We work at the same company. Ok. That's just it. If she sometimes invites me to her and Jian's dinner outside, it's only because I am a colleague. The fact that she fetch me from my house to our workplace should be a big deal already.

I am her work best friend. Outside work, it's a different story.


I think I can live with that. I should not expect more. Because in reality, there's nothing more to expect.

I should not expect that I will be the first one to know if any new thing happens to her. I should not expect that I know everything about her. I should not expect that she will listen to me. I should not expect that my opinion will have any bearing on her life. Because I am just her work bestfriend.

In her personal life, my opinion does not matter. So I shouldn't get hurt if she listens to J and ignores what I am saying. There's nothing to it. It's just the way it is. Not worth worrying about. Not worth analyzing more.

I think this writing exercise helps me a lot to think things through. I definitely feel lighter.

So now, I am ready to focus on what matters. There's no more little nagging thoughts in my mind regarding this issue.

Thank you, Lord.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 10, 2018 at 02:32 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I'm trying to pick up drawing again. I started with an eye practice and then thought of sketching something for a friend. I also read an interesting article that creating art actually lowers stress. I remember a news that some line on a canvas was sold for a staggering amount of USD 43.8 M. IT WAS JUST A LINE! That should encourage me to draw more.

Then I saw a vid from this guy, Dino Tomic, who apparently just casually wipes off his salt art, even if it took him a lot of time doing them. One art even took 3 months for him to finish! I would have major depression if I do that to something I work hard for.

But I guess that's my problem -- setting great store on something or someone, allowing myself to put too much importance on the temporary.

My heart has got a lot to learn.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 5, 2018 at 12:11 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

"Do you realize how many events and choices that had to occur since the birth of the universe leading to the making of you, just exactly the way you are?" -- Mrs. Which, A Wrinkle of Time movie

It's a curious thing, choice. I think the above question could have been profound. If I could only get a hold of the fullness of its meaning, I think I could learn something. It's perplexing how simple it has been said and yet somehow so complex. It could affect how I see things, how I see myself, how I see others. When I heard it, I could only say, "Wow!" Then I had to go back a few seconds so that I could write it word for word. I searched it on google. But apparently, it's not a quotable quote.

This is not a new idea. We know this is what's happening. But it struck me all the same. It's just very thought provoking. My mind is blown. I'm blabbing. I will stop now.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 31, 2018 at 06:19 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

Having calm demeanor on the outside, but the constant tumult inside is eating you up, gradual but deliberate.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 20, 2018 at 04:06 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I need someone to intervene with what's happening to me. I feel nothing. I don't even feel worthless anymore. I just don't feel anything. At night, I can't sleep when everything is silent. I toss and turn and can't seem to find the perfect position to travel to dreamland. So I put my earphones on and let the music drone on. But I don't dream. Or if I do, I forget once I woke up. Something's wrong with me. But I can't pinpoint what. I know I should be doing something worthwhile. But I just let the time slip by, time that I cannot get back, precious time gone forever. I want to cry but I don't want to show people that I'm crying. I mean, what if they ask me what's wrong? I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong. I just know that there's something wrong, but I don't know what exactly and it's making me want to cry.

I need help.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on January 25, 2018 at 09:59 AM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

Rejected. This word affects how I view myself and how I relate to others.

Putting myself down is my defense mechanism against rejection. In my twisted logic, since I am ugly and worthless, I don't deserve to assert my right for anything or anyone. Thus, I won't get hurt if something that becomes really important to me is taken away from me or if someone I treasure pushes me away. Sure, I would still cry. But to cope with the pain, I would reason within myself that it is just a validation of my ugliness and my worthlessness.

But hurt I do get. Little by little, brick by brick, I put walls around me to shield myself from hurting again. I never allow anyone to see inside because I am very sure that no one will accept me for who I am when they see the real me. I guess that's why I can't think of any person who I can call my best friend.

I put on a facade for people around me. I always joke around and I've acquired a bitter tongue. I guess, it is to hide my fear. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I want everyone to think that I am strong, that I am ok. I've mastered the skill of crying silently. I never squeak a word to anyone if I'm struggling about something. It is actually my parents' frustration. I never tell them what's bothering me. I never tell them what's wrong.

I have zero self-esteem. I'm prepared to accept criticism because that's what I always do to myself. So whenever I hear occasional praises, I don't know how to respond. However, even with the shield and the facade, people never fail to hurt me. So, I've learned to hide and run away. The same thing happens every time though -- characters change, the setting varies, but the plot remains the same -- rejected.

But, finally, I mustered the courage to try and decided to let someone peek inside my walls, to see who I really was. I was very sure that I'd be accepted. But, yet again, I was rejected. I was crushed, torn apart, broken into thousand pieces and scattered abroad. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love you.

My initial thought was to hide and run away again. I agonized inside and cried out to God. I made a bargain with him. Physical death is not our end. Either we'll live in eternal damnation or eternal life with God. But, I got tired just thinking about living forever. I asked God that If I did everything he wanted me to do, if it was possible for my reward to be annihilation. I wanted God to just zap me into nothingness.

Then, my mind riveted on Jesus. Then it hit me. Jesus can identify with what I am going through! On a grander scale even, because he has loved to the point of death but he was and still is rejected. Even God the Father himself turned his back away from Jesus once because it was against the nature of the Father to look to sin. Jesus himself became the embodiment of sin. He needed to be so, so he could snatch us away from the consequence of sin which is eternal death. I was like, "Wow, Lord! You must be feeling a lot worse than what I am feeling." Jesus poured out his all for us, but we still fail to give back our all to him. We still reserve some things for ourselves.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Stay. I was racking my brain out to see any glimpse of hope or to see any sliver of purpose for this kind of heightened pain. And then I started to realize a lot of things.

In thinking the way I did, in putting myself down, I've pushed a lot of people away. In making sure that I don't get hurt, I've hurt those people who truly care for me. And by running away, I never recognized that I've been looking for something or someone to fill that void, that longing to be accepted. But since I expected to be rejected, sure enough, that is always what I get, time and time again.

God made me look to him. Let me heal you. He asked me to stay and open myself up to him, so he can fill this void. This is the one thing that I am not totally surrendering to him. I strived hard to be good so God could accept me. Sure I know that I am saved by grace. But whenever I fail to do good things, I punish myself mentally and emotionally. I never thought God can accept me for who I really am. That I needed to do something so he can really love me.

But that's not how he works. God first loved us and that love will enable us to do good. He didn't love me because of my flawless personality, because everyone knows that I am too flawed to say the least. He has loved me because it is his choice. Not because I am lovable, but because he chose to love me so. That even if I'm like this, he still loves and cares for me.

When Humpty Dumpty fell into thousands of pieces, all the king's horses and all the king's men collected the pieces but they all fail to put him back together again even with their joint efforts. And so I realize, yes, I am trying to rely on people to put me back together. I look to people to pacify my feelings of loneliness. I depend on people's acceptance to make me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. But everyone fail miserably, and that's when I feel rejected. God tugged at my heartstrings. I am the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The King himself wants to gather all my pieces and make me whole. Or maybe, I needed to be crushed time and time again so he can shape me in the image that he wants me to.

God wants me to stay and be satisfied with His love alone. That even if everyone rejects me, I would still be alright because God's love sustains me, that God's love would be really more than enough for me. The purpose of this ordeal is so I can overcome my feeling of rejection. God wants me to realize that being rejected is not a validation of my unworthiness.

I asked God how about the people around me. What would they think of me? I know they would question my efforts and my intentions. And then God made me look at judgment day, when everything will be brought out to light. Yes, I have hope. Maybe they won't understand now. But I don't need to explain myself, because they would know the whole truth on that glorious day when God would have all books open up where all accounts of our lives are recorded.

You might be wondering if God is a masochist. I think not. By experiencing this kind of pain, I began to appreciate more what Jesus did on the cross. Just like when we pray for patience. God would allow us to go through situations that would test our patience. If we pass, then we would know if we're patient already.

I never asked God to do something about my feeling of rejection. But I guess, it's something that I don't really see that he needs to work on. It's become a natural part of my life that I never thought it was wrong. "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed." This is my prayer. So I guess, God made me go through this so I can show him that rejection from people is negligible because God is all I ever needed.

I have a heavy burden. But Jesus asks me to come to him because he has promised to give me rest. Take your cross daily and follow me. It's a daily decision to carry the load he wants us to take and follow him still. In my case, it's a minute by minute choice because I tend to go back and dwell on self-pity. God's grace is sufficient. His strength is revealed in my weakness. He's promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I can do this because I am on God's side!

Currently listening to: Father's love letter
Currently feeling: calm
Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 10, 2010 at 12:38 PM in My thoughts | 25 flew with me

They say that the only thing permanent in this world is change. But when you think about it, some things just don't. No matter how hard you try. I moved to a different county, I have my first job, I met new people -- but, I still cry alone.

Currently listening to: Rustling of papers
Currently feeling: confused
Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 25, 2009 at 02:04 PM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me

I finally did it. Update.

Too many things had happened. The past year had been a roller coaster ride, emotion-wise:

One of my short stories made it in an anthology, which I’ll shamelessly plug.

I bought books.

I stopped schooling.

I bought books.

I’m single again after ten years, a month and five days.

I bought books.

I went to Zambales for a youth camp.

I bought books.

I went to Bulacan for a spiritual retreat.

I bought books.

A close friend and I stopped talking.

I bought books.

I met a new friend in person.

I bought books.

The close friend and I started talking again.

I bought books.

I continue schooling.

I bought books.

I almost play drums in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

I play bass guitar in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

End result: I’ve filled up two shelves of books.

A book has become my constant companion along the ride. It takes my mind off my current situation and brings me in the places between its pages. It might be viewed as running away. But sometimes, when it gets too hard that you start thinking of ending it all, you resort to putting all your attention to one thing, which soon becomes addictive. Some people drink or do drugs; others work themselves nonstop in work or in school. For me, it’s books—while on a jeepney, on a bus, on a tricycle; while in class, in my mom’s eatery; while walking, eating, standing, sitting, lying on bed…sometimes, I don’t sleep.

It has come to a point where I bring just enough money for transportation so I won’t have extra money to even go to a bookstore, much less buy one. If I have even some extra for food, I’d skip eating and buy myself a book. I’m that addicted to books.

Last week, I went to a mall to buy things for engineering drawing. While I was in line to pay for the stuff, what else would I see?

So, I paid for the engineering drawing materials, plus a John Grisham book. Sweet.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 30, 2007 at 12:04 AM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me


Math is the best example of logic. It uses definite formulas and constant values.

My school is forty-eight kilometres away from our house. But you use miles. So you divide it by 1.609 and find out that forty-eight kilometres is almost thirty miles. It is always 1.609 if you compare mile and kilometer. Just like with a circle which is always 360 degrees no matter how small or how big it is.

So let’s do a simple math problem. Divide five to five thousand. Logic says that the answer is 0.001. But there was one instance when the answer to that was 5000 plus the number of women and children present plus twelve basketfuls leftover.


Only if you don’t believe that Jesus did feed five thousand men and uncounted number of women and children, with five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. The Bible says that after all those people ate and were satisfied, the disciples picked up the leftover broken pieces and gathered twelve basketfuls.

As a child, I read the Bible for the stories. I would open the Bible to Genesis and be amazed at the thought that animals could be created with just a few words. And then I’d skip the part when God punished Adam, Eve and the snake—too depressing for a five-year-old.

I’d read on and read about Noah. When I got better with my math, I counted a hundred years span between the time when God said to Noah that He’d clean the earth and the time when He shut the ark’s door. Talk about long-suffering.

In Genesis chapter 11, I found out why all these other languages exist. So now, I have to learn English just so you can understand me. Pride is a very bad thing. We must be very careful lest God confuse the places of our body parts and turn our noses upside down. We’d be forever blinking because of the air coming out our nose holes.

Talking donkey, the familiar spirit of a prophet showing itself to an Endor witch and a king, a prophet taken up to heaven by a chariot of fire, dead man coming back to life because he was thrown into a cave that kept the bones of a prophet, a man inside a big fish’s stomach for three days and three nights, common people speaking other languages without learning them in school—the Bible is full of extraordinary stories.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV) Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

God has a book and He wrote you in it.

2 Timothy 3:16 (KJV) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:"

May we all walk after our writer Father’s path while being taught, rebuked, corrected and trained in righteousness in developing and honing our writing skill.

God is the greatest writer of all time. Because of His words, lives are changed.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on October 18, 2006 at 11:00 PM in My thoughts | fly with me
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