Entries in category "My thoughts"

I need someone to intervene with what's happening to me. I feel nothing. I don't even feel worthless anymore. I just don't feel anything. At night, I can't sleep when everything is silent. I toss and turn and can't seem to find the perfect position to travel to dreamland. So I put my earphones on and let the music drone on. But I don't dream. Or if I do, I forget once I woke up. Something's wrong with me. But I can't pinpoint what. I know I should be doing something worthwhile. But I just let the time slip by, time that I cannot get back, precious time gone forever. I want to cry but I don't want to show people that I'm crying. I mean, what if they ask me what's wrong? I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong. I just know that there's something wrong, but I don't know what exactly and it's making me want to cry.

I need help.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on January 25, 2018 at 09:59 AM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me

Rejected. This word affects how I view myself and how I relate to others.

Putting myself down is my defense mechanism against rejection. In my twisted logic, since I am ugly and worthless, I don't deserve to assert my right for anything or anyone. Thus, I won't get hurt if something that becomes really important to me is taken away from me or if someone I treasure pushes me away. Sure, I would still cry. But to cope with the pain, I would reason within myself that it is just a validation of my ugliness and my worthlessness.

But hurt I do get. Little by little, brick by brick, I put walls around me to shield myself from hurting again. I never allow anyone to see inside because I am very sure that no one will accept me for who I am when they see the real me. I guess that's why I can't think of any person who I can call my best friend.

I put on a facade for people around me. I always joke around and I've acquired a bitter tongue. I guess, it is to hide my fear. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I want everyone to think that I am strong, that I am ok. I've mastered the skill of crying silently. I never squeak a word to anyone if I'm struggling about something. It is actually my parents' frustration. I never tell them what's bothering me. I never tell them what's wrong.

I have zero self-esteem. I'm prepared to accept criticism because that's what I always do to myself. So whenever I hear occasional praises, I don't know how to respond. However, even with the shield and the facade, people never fail to hurt me. So, I've learned to hide and run away. The same thing happens every time though -- characters change, the setting varies, but the plot remains the same -- rejected.

But, finally, I mustered the courage to try and decided to let someone peek inside my walls, to see who I really was. I was very sure that I'd be accepted. But, yet again, I was rejected. I was crushed, torn apart, broken into thousand pieces and scattered abroad. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love you.

My initial thought was to hide and run away again. I agonized inside and cried out to God. I made a bargain with him. Physical death is not our end. Either we'll live in eternal damnation or eternal life with God. But, I got tired just thinking about living forever. I asked God that If I did everything he wanted me to do, if it was possible for my reward to be annihilation. I wanted God to just zap me into nothingness.

Then, my mind riveted on Jesus. Then it hit me. Jesus can identify with what I am going through! On a grander scale even, because he has loved to the point of death but he was and still is rejected. Even God the Father himself turned his back away from Jesus once because it was against the nature of the Father to look to sin. Jesus himself became the embodiment of sin. He needed to be so, so he could snatch us away from the consequence of sin which is eternal death. I was like, "Wow, Lord! You must be feeling a lot worse than what I am feeling." Jesus poured out his all for us, but we still fail to give back our all to him. We still reserve some things for ourselves.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Stay. I was racking my brain out to see any glimpse of hope or to see any sliver of purpose for this kind of heightened pain. And then I started to realize a lot of things.

In thinking the way I did, in putting myself down, I've pushed a lot of people away. In making sure that I don't get hurt, I've hurt those people who truly care for me. And by running away, I never recognized that I've been looking for something or someone to fill that void, that longing to be accepted. But since I expected to be rejected, sure enough, that is always what I get, time and time again.

God made me look to him. Let me heal you. He asked me to stay and open myself up to him, so he can fill this void. This is the one thing that I am not totally surrendering to him. I strived hard to be good so God could accept me. Sure I know that I am saved by grace. But whenever I fail to do good things, I punish myself mentally and emotionally. I never thought God can accept me for who I really am. That I needed to do something so he can really love me.

But that's not how he works. God first loved us and that love will enable us to do good. He didn't love me because of my flawless personality, because everyone knows that I am too flawed to say the least. He has loved me because it is his choice. Not because I am lovable, but because he chose to love me so. That even if I'm like this, he still loves and cares for me.

When Humpty Dumpty fell into thousands of pieces, all the king's horses and all the king's men collected the pieces but they all fail to put him back together again even with their joint efforts. And so I realize, yes, I am trying to rely on people to put me back together. I look to people to pacify my feelings of loneliness. I depend on people's acceptance to make me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. But everyone fail miserably, and that's when I feel rejected. God tugged at my heartstrings. I am the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The King himself wants to gather all my pieces and make me whole. Or maybe, I needed to be crushed time and time again so he can shape me in the image that he wants me to.

God wants me to stay and be satisfied with His love alone. That even if everyone rejects me, I would still be alright because God's love sustains me, that God's love would be really more than enough for me. The purpose of this ordeal is so I can overcome my feeling of rejection. God wants me to realize that being rejected is not a validation of my unworthiness.

I asked God how about the people around me. What would they think of me? I know they would question my efforts and my intentions. And then God made me look at judgment day, when everything will be brought out to light. Yes, I have hope. Maybe they won't understand now. But I don't need to explain myself, because they would know the whole truth on that glorious day when God would have all books open up where all accounts of our lives are recorded.

You might be wondering if God is a masochist. I think not. By experiencing this kind of pain, I began to appreciate more what Jesus did on the cross. Just like when we pray for patience. God would allow us to go through situations that would test our patience. If we pass, then we would know if we're patient already.

I never asked God to do something about my feeling of rejection. But I guess, it's something that I don't really see that he needs to work on. It's become a natural part of my life that I never thought it was wrong. "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed." This is my prayer. So I guess, God made me go through this so I can show him that rejection from people is negligible because God is all I ever needed.

I have a heavy burden. But Jesus asks me to come to him because he has promised to give me rest. Take your cross daily and follow me. It's a daily decision to carry the load he wants us to take and follow him still. In my case, it's a minute by minute choice because I tend to go back and dwell on self-pity. God's grace is sufficient. His strength is revealed in my weakness. He's promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I can do this because I am on God's side!

Currently listening to: Father's love letter
Currently feeling: calm
Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 10, 2010 at 12:38 PM in My thoughts | 25 flew with me

I finally did it. Update.

Too many things had happened. The past year had been a roller coaster ride, emotion-wise:

One of my short stories made it in an anthology, which I’ll shamelessly plug.

I bought books.

I stopped schooling.

I bought books.

I’m single again after ten years, a month and five days.

I bought books.

I went to Zambales for a youth camp.

I bought books.

I went to Bulacan for a spiritual retreat.

I bought books.

A close friend and I stopped talking.

I bought books.

I met a new friend in person.

I bought books.

The close friend and I started talking again.

I bought books.

I continue schooling.

I bought books.

I almost play drums in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

I play bass guitar in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

End result: I’ve filled up two shelves of books.

A book has become my constant companion along the ride. It takes my mind off my current situation and brings me in the places between its pages. It might be viewed as running away. But sometimes, when it gets too hard that you start thinking of ending it all, you resort to putting all your attention to one thing, which soon becomes addictive. Some people drink or do drugs; others work themselves nonstop in work or in school. For me, it’s books—while on a jeepney, on a bus, on a tricycle; while in class, in my mom’s eatery; while walking, eating, standing, sitting, lying on bed…sometimes, I don’t sleep.

It has come to a point where I bring just enough money for transportation so I won’t have extra money to even go to a bookstore, much less buy one. If I have even some extra for food, I’d skip eating and buy myself a book. I’m that addicted to books.

Last week, I went to a mall to buy things for engineering drawing. While I was in line to pay for the stuff, what else would I see?

So, I paid for the engineering drawing materials, plus a John Grisham book. Sweet.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 30, 2007 at 12:04 AM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me

Logic.

Math is the best example of logic. It uses definite formulas and constant values.

My school is forty-eight kilometres away from our house. But you use miles. So you divide it by 1.609 and find out that forty-eight kilometres is almost thirty miles. It is always 1.609 if you compare mile and kilometer. Just like with a circle which is always 360 degrees no matter how small or how big it is.

So let’s do a simple math problem. Divide five to five thousand. Logic says that the answer is 0.001. But there was one instance when the answer to that was 5000 plus the number of women and children present plus twelve basketfuls leftover.

Illogical?

Only if you don’t believe that Jesus did feed five thousand men and uncounted number of women and children, with five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. The Bible says that after all those people ate and were satisfied, the disciples picked up the leftover broken pieces and gathered twelve basketfuls.

As a child, I read the Bible for the stories. I would open the Bible to Genesis and be amazed at the thought that animals could be created with just a few words. And then I’d skip the part when God punished Adam, Eve and the snake—too depressing for a five-year-old.

I’d read on and read about Noah. When I got better with my math, I counted a hundred years span between the time when God said to Noah that He’d clean the earth and the time when He shut the ark’s door. Talk about long-suffering.

In Genesis chapter 11, I found out why all these other languages exist. So now, I have to learn English just so you can understand me. Pride is a very bad thing. We must be very careful lest God confuse the places of our body parts and turn our noses upside down. We’d be forever blinking because of the air coming out our nose holes.

Talking donkey, the familiar spirit of a prophet showing itself to an Endor witch and a king, a prophet taken up to heaven by a chariot of fire, dead man coming back to life because he was thrown into a cave that kept the bones of a prophet, a man inside a big fish’s stomach for three days and three nights, common people speaking other languages without learning them in school—the Bible is full of extraordinary stories.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV) Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

God has a book and He wrote you in it.

2 Timothy 3:16 (KJV) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:"

May we all walk after our writer Father’s path while being taught, rebuked, corrected and trained in righteousness in developing and honing our writing skill.

God is the greatest writer of all time. Because of His words, lives are changed.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on October 18, 2006 at 11:00 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I'm here, standing in the middle of the road. I know which way to turn to and continue my journey. But I'm taking my time. After all, I don't want to go back here in the middle of the road when the road I choose gets tough.

There are some things that I must leave behind to lighten my heavy burden. Things that almost dragged me down in a mire. Things that I wouldn't have thought of leaving because they (or he?) have become a part of me. But continuing on my journey requires me to be right with my Best Friend and my Lord. As this thing has become a part of me, it would take some kind of a surgery to get it off me. I would bleed. But I know I'll be restored and come out a better and stronger person.

It hurts, of course. But no, I am not bitter. This is my choice and I'll take full responsibility of it. I am not blaming anyone. It's all my fault. I have wallowed on it too long. But, it's about time to stand up and get moving.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am once again clueless of what lies ahead. I've become accustomed to the way things are. I've actually accepted as a fact that I am hopeless. But I cannot throw away my life just like that. Somebody is now looking up to me and waiting which way to go to next. I am clueless, but I know I'll be well taken care of. I know the road I choose to go to is not entirely paved, but I am confident and I know this is the right way... His way.

I am left with this teeny-weeny bit of a sweet thing piggybacking me. I am now ready to walk again, head held up high with sure steps and a small bundle of joy having forty winks peacefully and contentedly on my back. I know I won't be alone. I am walking with Jesus.

My journey continues...

Currently listening to: It Is Well
Currently reading: The Purpose Driven Life
Currently feeling: content
Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 2, 2006 at 01:55 AM in My thoughts | 3 flew with me

man, whew! i just turned 24 yesterday. wow! T-W-E-N-T-Y-F-O-U-R.

last two days ago, i was thinking that i would spend my birthday in the library. not a sad thought. it was actually a relaxing and a peaceful thought. for the past weeks, i haven't been able to read a book... i mean, read by my own volition. so spending a day in the library was my plan of celebrating my birthday. i'm a book eater (hehe). i'm drooling whenever i see a book.

but i started my day in school waiting for professors to show up and have them sign my clearance sheet.

then at about 4pm i went to mcdonald's and treat myself with float and fries. one of my favorite things to do when i'm stressed.

after eating, i still didn't feel like going home, so i went on a beach resort. there were too many people everywhere except on the playground area. instinctively, i went there. believe it or not, i'm a person who appreciates silence. i was wrong though. i thought there wasn't anyone there. haha. there were a few kids playing by the swing. they were hidden by the bushes that was why i didn't see them. but it was alright. i just sat on the lawn and watched them play.

being a kid... haaaay...

7pm, i headed for home.

i knew my parents would somehow do something special for my day. there wasn't a single march 21 in my life that had passed without being celebrated. so yes, upon reaching home, there were quite a few people in the house. it was... hmmm... alright. i'm thankful that my parents went out their way to prepare. but they were celebrating one other thing. about my school. they said that one of my professors called up and said something about my school performance. now, i'm not so sure with that one. coz no one in school has talked to me about anything, academic-wise. so yes, i still have to confirm it before i tell all about it here.

my brother told me that my prof asked me to call back. i was surprised. coz it was like 8pm already. school is supposed to be closed at 5pm. i felt weird dialing school number at 8 in the evening. but i was answered with, "AMA CLC Rosario, g'morning ah e, g'afternoon ah e g'night" that was m'gerley. i said "good evening maam". haha. she didn't even know anymore how to answer the phone at that time. i asked for s'joel, the professor who asked me to call back. he didn't tell me about anything that concerned my school performance. he just asked me to help him encode some things. i typed a little fast, so i get all these requests all the time. and then he told me that i should come and talk to him because i have a big part in the graduation mass. i asked if i was doing the sermon. i mean, it is the only big part in any mass, right? he laughed.

hmmm... i wasn't expecting my birthday to be celebrated. a simple greeting, just the thought that people remembered, would do. i mean really. i wouldn't be hurt if my parents didn't prepare anything for it. actually, i don't mind at all if people didn't greet me. it was alright. but of course, i expected a few people that are the closest to me to greet me. i'd be hurt if they didn't... family (my, dy and 3 siblings); one person i only know online but has been making a huge impact in my life, heck if i don't see him online, i panic; sean, a very close friend; and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, yes the Richard Bach bird... hehe. my birthday was complete when all these 8 individuals greeted me. they didn't forget. i'm grateful.

now, how do i feel that i'm 24? hmmm... honestly speaking, i don't feel anything has changed. it's just a number. i'm not ashamed that i am older. coz people in school tease me that i am older than 95% of school population. it's alright. i don't care. some people can't believe that i'm 24 already. maybe because i don't act like a "normal" girl errr lady errr woman (still confused). i don't put make up on or wear high-heeled shoes. i don't use face powder. hair is always down and is combed only after bathing. walk fast. laughter isn't controlled. t-shirt and jeans, my usual get up. i'm weird, they say. i like it to be that way though.

what a birthday...

Currently feeling: cheerful
Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 22, 2006 at 12:41 AM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

For the last two weeks, I've been busy. I didn't have time to go to OJT. And to top it all off, I'm not even sure if I'll graduate this coming April though I worked my ass off. It's because of pre-defense which was scheduled yesterday, the last day of Prefinal-Examination.

This whole week was filled with times in front of the computer... my computer, school's computer, my other classmates' computer... and I bring my flash memory with me so I could sneak in a "session of debugging" whenever and wherever situation permitted me to do so. Yeah, debug... debug... debug.

And, the thing is, I got rid of bugs only yesterday... yeah, yeah, I'm that bad a student! Then I tried to save it to a diskette, only to find out that it exceeded diskette capacity. I tried to save it to the flash memory, but no, the flash memory was bewitched. It couldn't be detected. So I had to buy a cd and burn my program. Hmmm... oh well...

In the pre-defense room, I was quite nervous and quiet. I kept thinking that I overlooked a bug and the whole thing wouldn't work at all. Then I overheard a panel remarked about some "landslide". I couldn't help but ask what happened. Yeah, I'm that snoopy a girl... errr a lady... errr a woman? Whatever!

It shocked me, but the pre-defense got the better of me. It was alright. I didn't cry. Everyone was smiling. The program needs minor adjustments and some additions. I am content...

When I got home, I just slept. I didn't even eat. And then while sleeping, I remembered that I didn't eat the whole day yesterday. Oh well, I could hear my stomach grumbling now.

Then this morning, the reality of what happened in Leyte sets in. I searched for the words "Philippines+mudslide" and websites from giant news network popped up.

Ultra stampede and then this. The stampede didn't get as much as attention from all over the world, but this one did. I even found an Irish news network that has an article about the mudslide.

Well today is Sunday... and my dad kept asking me to bathe already because we'll be late for church. I will write more later... if God permits it that I'm still alive and well...

[Update]

What happened there was terrible. They said the reason behind the mudslide was deforestation. Few trees hold the earth. So whose fault was that?

The reason I'm ranting about that mudslide is the child I saw in the photo--one of the victims. Children move me the most. It pains me to see children hurting. It seemed an unjust affair for them to be included in this dire setting.

When I realized, or almost feel, what these people are facing right now, I feel ashamed of my actions these past few days. I've been cranky the whole two weeks that passed. I still think I don't deserve to be treated the way they did. But, hey, my life isn't in danger. I know I said I wanted to end everything. But when I think about it, one question pervades my thought process, "Am I ready to face my eternity?" I doubt...

I just hope... hmmm... well I wish things are better.

They're not though... so... hmmm...

Currently feeling: confused
Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 19, 2006 at 02:34 AM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

nothing is working right this morning.

it's a new year... but things in the past have their claws on me.

my brother had an accident. he's just 15 but he knows how to drive a motorbike. so yeah, the old lady he crashed into is in the hospital right now and is in a terrible condition.

people will definitely not connect me to the accident, but my parents can still find a way to somehow blame it on me. every bad thing that happens in this family is blamed on me.

why? well because i was a bad daughter. no good thing can i do now could erase the bad things i did... be it nine years ago. to them, i'm still that bad daughter.

when my other siblings do bad things, i'm always the perfect example of the consequence of being bad. whatever it might be... even small things like not obliging to their command of going to the store to buy a 2-peso biscuit... they sure to mention my name and go over to the bad things i did. funny. even if i was when the bad thing happened, making my way through the labyrinth that is a market and with fingers turning blue from carrying a heavy load of viand... i'll still be blamed.

i try to do good things. i try being nice. i try smiling even when i feel like crying. but no... those things are not enough... will never be enough. it hurts.

it's not a good feeling. i hate feeling this way. i don't want to feel this way.

i realized, while walking a kilometer from the market to our eatery, i feel this way because i'm expecting too much and because i think i'm important. well, i think it's time to change my mindset.

i am not important and i should not expect good things to happen. so that when something bad happens, i won't get hurt. if people do bad things to me, it's because i am not important. but i should also try to do just right because i don't want to bother people. i was thinking of running in the street when a truck passed by. but then, i stopped. i realized that i shouldn't do that. why? well because the flow of everyone's job would get interrupted. the truck would stop, or if it would be a hit and run, they'll be guilty. and my family would go through the process of my burial. they're not that heartless as to just throw me into the river. so yeah, i don't want them to go through all that.

so now, i'm trying not to get hurt by thinking that things are because i am not important.

this morning, our computer wouldn't work. the programs i've been working on for the past two weeks are saved in this computer. sleepless nights, skipped meals, beatings from my brother, and scoldings from everyone would be nulled.

i won't care about much anymore. why? well because if i do, i'd get hurt. i feel strong about people throwing their garbage in the street. they unwrap their candy and then just drop the wrapper. people get a lecture from me because of that. and when people are discriminated, i'm the first one to retaliate against the oppressor. but i won't do that anymore. why should i? why should i care for the nature? why should i care for this little people? no. now, i'll be unimportant and forget my principles.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 11, 2006 at 03:21 AM in My thoughts | 4 flew with me

i've been planning to write my first blog in 2006.

i wanted it to be a blast... something positive or funny... but not this.

i don't even know what to say.

i guess you have an idea of what i'm trying to say here.

Sad. Pathetic. Stupid. That’s how I describe the accident in ultra today—the wowowee accident.

I just came in the office where I’m having my OJT when Ate Bheng asked me if I’ve heard the news. News? What news? I was in school from 7 till 10:30 that morning. That was when I realized that everyone in the room was gloomy. As I listened to the news, I can’t help but feel agitated because of the stupidity of what had happened.

I’m not blaming anyone here, ok. I should make that clear. But then, if you look at the proceedings, it’s just plain sad. The people who got killed, mostly women, were just ordinary people trying to better their lives... their luck in the wowowee show. I don’t believe that they went all the way from Pangasinan to Manila just to see some not-so-popular stars in person. No. What drove them to go out of their way and fall-in-line for three consecutive days in the heat of the sun in the cold of the night was to survive the life that the Philippine government is bombarding on us. And they were the ones who were hit the hardest. Makes your problem seem petty huh.

Just like the irate customer who came this afternoon because she received a call out by 171 reminding her of her unpaid telephone bill. She got all worked out—shouted even, because she knew she paid already and the system backed up her statements. Sure it was irritating. But hell-o! People do commit mistakes. Can’t she let it pass? If she can just stop thinking about herself for a minute and look at the television screen, I’m sure she’d be too ashamed of her reaction and leave the office head bowed.

I mean, just look, people are dying just to bring a little food on their plate… not even table… just their plate and here she is, shouting, too angry to calm down because of some stupid call out! Come on! Look at the boy, mere 4 years old, crying, all alone beside her mother’s still body—dead.

I guess, luck and their survival instinct didn’t warn them of their impending ghastly fate. I wonder how the boy feels…

it's just sad...

...and stupid,

Currently watching: the news
Currently feeling: morose
Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 4, 2006 at 12:11 PM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me
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