I need someone to intervene with what's happening to me. I feel nothing. I don't even feel worthless anymore. I just don't feel anything. At night, I can't sleep when everything is silent. I toss and turn and can't seem to find the perfect position to travel to dreamland. So I put my earphones on and let the music drone on. But I don't dream. Or if I do, I forget once I woke up. Something's wrong with me. But I can't pinpoint what. I know I should be doing something worthwhile. But I just let the time slip by, time that I cannot get back, precious time gone forever. I want to cry but I don't want to show people that I'm crying. I mean, what if they ask me what's wrong? I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong. I just know that there's something wrong, but I don't know what exactly and it's making me want to cry.

I need help.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on January 25, 2018 at 09:59 AM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me

People might find it hard to believe. But I have genuinely moved on. I don't think the way I did a month ago. I am stronger. I am actually enjoying my work now. It's all God, God, God, God, God.

No, it's not being self-righteous. In all honesty, I have never felt my frailty until now. I not only know that I need God, but the thought of myself not being on God's side pulls me even closer to his embrace, to his grace.

Search me O God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxieties and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

God has fondly lent me his hands to guide and lead me each and every step of the way. His love consumes my soul. I feel like a little child in the loving arms of her doting father. My deep heart's desire is to put a smile on God's face. Not what I want, but only what will bring more praise to his name.

I am so thankful for all the things that had happened. Truly, all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose. Even the most painful things lead me to Christ, to the cross.

I don't have time to think about the mean things people might have done or might have told me. God's love overshadows all of those. I don't have room to keep grudges. God's love fills ever inch of my heart. I know I have hurt people. I know I have said mean things. But I have asked for God's forgiveness. I also have asked for their forgiveness. I don't have anything to brag about but God's unwavering, unconditional and limitless love. I am only forgiven as well. And that thought keeps my feet on the ground.

God knows the intents of my heart. Only him can judge me because I am not who I was.

Currently listening to: my heartbeat
Currently feeling: content
Posted by CarizzCruzem on August 19, 2010 at 06:22 PM | 2 flew with me

Ironic, really, that the person who promised that I’d never ever cry alone again was the very reason I cried and made me doubt my existence. This time last year, I’d known someone who could’ve been my best friend. We were comfortable with each other. My book was taken. I, on the other hand, took socks. Then it happened. My book was given back to me one night. I wasn’t asking for it. So, yes, I was hurt. Questions swirled around my head. I tried to find answers to no avail. But that night gave birth to a lot of realizations.

“I won’t lose my joy of eternity over the sorrows of today.” This sentence was coined that night and has since become my sacred slogan, if you may. It was like I found a key that opened up one door, which held another key that could unbolt another door. And so I began unlocking doors. Each concealed room holds a nugget of truth – wisdom for my taking. I hunger and thirst not just to understand the Word but to experience him in my life as well. Things become petty when I look at them in light of forever. And the direction of my spiritual spotlight changed from “Use me” to “Bring more glory to your name.”

Then, I saw in my mind that day when I’d come face to face with God. I trembled and deep sadness overwhelmed my soul. I stood in front of God, head bowed, with only myself to give back. And then I understood. As much as I was broken when my book was returned to me, God would be all the more crushed when that day comes when I have to give account of what I did to what he has entrusted to me.

What am I doing with the gifts I had been given? What am I doing with myself? I was convicted of my selfishness. I had been gauging my Christian walk with how other Christians live. I was reasoning within myself that I was ok because so and so sister or brother weren’t attending church regularly. “At least, I am a member of the music team,” was how I made excuses for myself. But it was all hypocrisy.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I need Jesus, badly. Before I can continue my walk with God, I have to be very honest with myself. I cannot weigh my status with God base on others. I was in a despicable state. And God, with his everlasting love, came to my rescue.

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God.

God will judge us individually. When I stand before God and he asks me, I cannot point my fingers to others and say, “But God, she is like this!” or “Lord, do you know what that guy did?” I imagine God slowly shaking his head and looking at me pitifully. No. It doesn’t work that way. Everything will be brought out to light – my reactions, my thoughts, my intents, my excuses – all of it, nothing will be hidden. I don’t want to cry out of shame. It wasn’t what I’d imagined, but with the way I was going, that wouldn’t be far from happening.

My ideal scenario would be me running to God in his outstretched arms. Not that I would be out of my wits trying to hide from embarrassment. I want that day to be a loving get-together. The day when I would finally meet my Creator and the Creator, lovingly looking at me and saying, “Finally, the apple of my eye.”

That night, I determined to myself that when that glorious day comes, when I have fulfilled my purpose here on earth, I would like to hear the Father exclaim, “My good and faithful servant, you have been faithful with a few things, I will make you ruler over many. Come, enter into my rest.”

Currently listening to: Kalinga
Currently feeling: contemplative
Posted by CarizzCruzem on August 15, 2010 at 12:00 AM | fly with me

Rejected. This word affects how I view myself and how I relate to others.

Putting myself down is my defense mechanism against rejection. In my twisted logic, since I am ugly and worthless, I don't deserve to assert my right for anything or anyone. Thus, I won't get hurt if something that becomes really important to me is taken away from me or if someone I treasure pushes me away. Sure, I would still cry. But to cope with the pain, I would reason within myself that it is just a validation of my ugliness and my worthlessness.

But hurt I do get. Little by little, brick by brick, I put walls around me to shield myself from hurting again. I never allow anyone to see inside because I am very sure that no one will accept me for who I am when they see the real me. I guess that's why I can't think of any person who I can call my best friend.

I put on a facade for people around me. I always joke around and I've acquired a bitter tongue. I guess, it is to hide my fear. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I want everyone to think that I am strong, that I am ok. I've mastered the skill of crying silently. I never squeak a word to anyone if I'm struggling about something. It is actually my parents' frustration. I never tell them what's bothering me. I never tell them what's wrong.

I have zero self-esteem. I'm prepared to accept criticism because that's what I always do to myself. So whenever I hear occasional praises, I don't know how to respond. However, even with the shield and the facade, people never fail to hurt me. So, I've learned to hide and run away. The same thing happens every time though -- characters change, the setting varies, but the plot remains the same -- rejected.

But, finally, I mustered the courage to try and decided to let someone peek inside my walls, to see who I really was. I was very sure that I'd be accepted. But, yet again, I was rejected. I was crushed, torn apart, broken into thousand pieces and scattered abroad. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love you.

My initial thought was to hide and run away again. I agonized inside and cried out to God. I made a bargain with him. Physical death is not our end. Either we'll live in eternal damnation or eternal life with God. But, I got tired just thinking about living forever. I asked God that If I did everything he wanted me to do, if it was possible for my reward to be annihilation. I wanted God to just zap me into nothingness.

Then, my mind riveted on Jesus. Then it hit me. Jesus can identify with what I am going through! On a grander scale even, because he has loved to the point of death but he was and still is rejected. Even God the Father himself turned his back away from Jesus once because it was against the nature of the Father to look to sin. Jesus himself became the embodiment of sin. He needed to be so, so he could snatch us away from the consequence of sin which is eternal death. I was like, "Wow, Lord! You must be feeling a lot worse than what I am feeling." Jesus poured out his all for us, but we still fail to give back our all to him. We still reserve some things for ourselves.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Stay. I was racking my brain out to see any glimpse of hope or to see any sliver of purpose for this kind of heightened pain. And then I started to realize a lot of things.

In thinking the way I did, in putting myself down, I've pushed a lot of people away. In making sure that I don't get hurt, I've hurt those people who truly care for me. And by running away, I never recognized that I've been looking for something or someone to fill that void, that longing to be accepted. But since I expected to be rejected, sure enough, that is always what I get, time and time again.

God made me look to him. Let me heal you. He asked me to stay and open myself up to him, so he can fill this void. This is the one thing that I am not totally surrendering to him. I strived hard to be good so God could accept me. Sure I know that I am saved by grace. But whenever I fail to do good things, I punish myself mentally and emotionally. I never thought God can accept me for who I really am. That I needed to do something so he can really love me.

But that's not how he works. God first loved us and that love will enable us to do good. He didn't love me because of my flawless personality, because everyone knows that I am too flawed to say the least. He has loved me because it is his choice. Not because I am lovable, but because he chose to love me so. That even if I'm like this, he still loves and cares for me.

When Humpty Dumpty fell into thousands of pieces, all the king's horses and all the king's men collected the pieces but they all fail to put him back together again even with their joint efforts. And so I realize, yes, I am trying to rely on people to put me back together. I look to people to pacify my feelings of loneliness. I depend on people's acceptance to make me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. But everyone fail miserably, and that's when I feel rejected. God tugged at my heartstrings. I am the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The King himself wants to gather all my pieces and make me whole. Or maybe, I needed to be crushed time and time again so he can shape me in the image that he wants me to.

God wants me to stay and be satisfied with His love alone. That even if everyone rejects me, I would still be alright because God's love sustains me, that God's love would be really more than enough for me. The purpose of this ordeal is so I can overcome my feeling of rejection. God wants me to realize that being rejected is not a validation of my unworthiness.

I asked God how about the people around me. What would they think of me? I know they would question my efforts and my intentions. And then God made me look at judgment day, when everything will be brought out to light. Yes, I have hope. Maybe they won't understand now. But I don't need to explain myself, because they would know the whole truth on that glorious day when God would have all books open up where all accounts of our lives are recorded.

You might be wondering if God is a masochist. I think not. By experiencing this kind of pain, I began to appreciate more what Jesus did on the cross. Just like when we pray for patience. God would allow us to go through situations that would test our patience. If we pass, then we would know if we're patient already.

I never asked God to do something about my feeling of rejection. But I guess, it's something that I don't really see that he needs to work on. It's become a natural part of my life that I never thought it was wrong. "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed." This is my prayer. So I guess, God made me go through this so I can show him that rejection from people is negligible because God is all I ever needed.

I have a heavy burden. But Jesus asks me to come to him because he has promised to give me rest. Take your cross daily and follow me. It's a daily decision to carry the load he wants us to take and follow him still. In my case, it's a minute by minute choice because I tend to go back and dwell on self-pity. God's grace is sufficient. His strength is revealed in my weakness. He's promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I can do this because I am on God's side!

Currently listening to: Father's love letter
Currently feeling: calm
Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 10, 2010 at 12:38 PM in My thoughts | 25 flew with me

 

 

So, here it is, the book I've mentioned earlier. Light at the edge of darkness is a compilation of Biblical speculative fiction, 28 short stories by 17 authors.

There's also a book trailer.

Just click the links and you'll find more information about the book.

You can get the book in Amazon and in The Writer's Cafe.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 30, 2007 at 02:02 AM | fly with me

I finally did it. Update.

Too many things had happened. The past year had been a roller coaster ride, emotion-wise:

One of my short stories made it in an anthology, which I’ll shamelessly plug.

I bought books.

I stopped schooling.

I bought books.

I’m single again after ten years, a month and five days.

I bought books.

I went to Zambales for a youth camp.

I bought books.

I went to Bulacan for a spiritual retreat.

I bought books.

A close friend and I stopped talking.

I bought books.

I met a new friend in person.

I bought books.

The close friend and I started talking again.

I bought books.

I continue schooling.

I bought books.

I almost play drums in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

I play bass guitar in the assembly of our church service.

I bought books.

End result: I’ve filled up two shelves of books.

A book has become my constant companion along the ride. It takes my mind off my current situation and brings me in the places between its pages. It might be viewed as running away. But sometimes, when it gets too hard that you start thinking of ending it all, you resort to putting all your attention to one thing, which soon becomes addictive. Some people drink or do drugs; others work themselves nonstop in work or in school. For me, it’s books—while on a jeepney, on a bus, on a tricycle; while in class, in my mom’s eatery; while walking, eating, standing, sitting, lying on bed…sometimes, I don’t sleep.

It has come to a point where I bring just enough money for transportation so I won’t have extra money to even go to a bookstore, much less buy one. If I have even some extra for food, I’d skip eating and buy myself a book. I’m that addicted to books.

Last week, I went to a mall to buy things for engineering drawing. While I was in line to pay for the stuff, what else would I see?

So, I paid for the engineering drawing materials, plus a John Grisham book. Sweet.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 30, 2007 at 12:04 AM in My thoughts | 1 flew with me

Logic.

Math is the best example of logic. It uses definite formulas and constant values.

My school is forty-eight kilometres away from our house. But you use miles. So you divide it by 1.609 and find out that forty-eight kilometres is almost thirty miles. It is always 1.609 if you compare mile and kilometer. Just like with a circle which is always 360 degrees no matter how small or how big it is.

So let’s do a simple math problem. Divide five to five thousand. Logic says that the answer is 0.001. But there was one instance when the answer to that was 5000 plus the number of women and children present plus twelve basketfuls leftover.

Illogical?

Only if you don’t believe that Jesus did feed five thousand men and uncounted number of women and children, with five loaves of bread and a couple of fish. The Bible says that after all those people ate and were satisfied, the disciples picked up the leftover broken pieces and gathered twelve basketfuls.

As a child, I read the Bible for the stories. I would open the Bible to Genesis and be amazed at the thought that animals could be created with just a few words. And then I’d skip the part when God punished Adam, Eve and the snake—too depressing for a five-year-old.

I’d read on and read about Noah. When I got better with my math, I counted a hundred years span between the time when God said to Noah that He’d clean the earth and the time when He shut the ark’s door. Talk about long-suffering.

In Genesis chapter 11, I found out why all these other languages exist. So now, I have to learn English just so you can understand me. Pride is a very bad thing. We must be very careful lest God confuse the places of our body parts and turn our noses upside down. We’d be forever blinking because of the air coming out our nose holes.

Talking donkey, the familiar spirit of a prophet showing itself to an Endor witch and a king, a prophet taken up to heaven by a chariot of fire, dead man coming back to life because he was thrown into a cave that kept the bones of a prophet, a man inside a big fish’s stomach for three days and three nights, common people speaking other languages without learning them in school—the Bible is full of extraordinary stories.

Psalm 139:16 (KJV) Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

God has a book and He wrote you in it.

2 Timothy 3:16 (KJV) “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:"

May we all walk after our writer Father’s path while being taught, rebuked, corrected and trained in righteousness in developing and honing our writing skill.

God is the greatest writer of all time. Because of His words, lives are changed.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on October 18, 2006 at 11:00 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I'm here, standing in the middle of the road. I know which way to turn to and continue my journey. But I'm taking my time. After all, I don't want to go back here in the middle of the road when the road I choose gets tough.

There are some things that I must leave behind to lighten my heavy burden. Things that almost dragged me down in a mire. Things that I wouldn't have thought of leaving because they (or he?) have become a part of me. But continuing on my journey requires me to be right with my Best Friend and my Lord. As this thing has become a part of me, it would take some kind of a surgery to get it off me. I would bleed. But I know I'll be restored and come out a better and stronger person.

It hurts, of course. But no, I am not bitter. This is my choice and I'll take full responsibility of it. I am not blaming anyone. It's all my fault. I have wallowed on it too long. But, it's about time to stand up and get moving.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am once again clueless of what lies ahead. I've become accustomed to the way things are. I've actually accepted as a fact that I am hopeless. But I cannot throw away my life just like that. Somebody is now looking up to me and waiting which way to go to next. I am clueless, but I know I'll be well taken care of. I know the road I choose to go to is not entirely paved, but I am confident and I know this is the right way... His way.

I am left with this teeny-weeny bit of a sweet thing piggybacking me. I am now ready to walk again, head held up high with sure steps and a small bundle of joy having forty winks peacefully and contentedly on my back. I know I won't be alone. I am walking with Jesus.

My journey continues...

Currently listening to: It Is Well
Currently reading: The Purpose Driven Life
Currently feeling: content
Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 2, 2006 at 01:55 AM in My thoughts | 3 flew with me

man, whew! i just turned 24 yesterday. wow! T-W-E-N-T-Y-F-O-U-R.

last two days ago, i was thinking that i would spend my birthday in the library. not a sad thought. it was actually a relaxing and a peaceful thought. for the past weeks, i haven't been able to read a book... i mean, read by my own volition. so spending a day in the library was my plan of celebrating my birthday. i'm a book eater (hehe). i'm drooling whenever i see a book.

but i started my day in school waiting for professors to show up and have them sign my clearance sheet.

then at about 4pm i went to mcdonald's and treat myself with float and fries. one of my favorite things to do when i'm stressed.

after eating, i still didn't feel like going home, so i went on a beach resort. there were too many people everywhere except on the playground area. instinctively, i went there. believe it or not, i'm a person who appreciates silence. i was wrong though. i thought there wasn't anyone there. haha. there were a few kids playing by the swing. they were hidden by the bushes that was why i didn't see them. but it was alright. i just sat on the lawn and watched them play.

being a kid... haaaay...

7pm, i headed for home.

i knew my parents would somehow do something special for my day. there wasn't a single march 21 in my life that had passed without being celebrated. so yes, upon reaching home, there were quite a few people in the house. it was... hmmm... alright. i'm thankful that my parents went out their way to prepare. but they were celebrating one other thing. about my school. they said that one of my professors called up and said something about my school performance. now, i'm not so sure with that one. coz no one in school has talked to me about anything, academic-wise. so yes, i still have to confirm it before i tell all about it here.

my brother told me that my prof asked me to call back. i was surprised. coz it was like 8pm already. school is supposed to be closed at 5pm. i felt weird dialing school number at 8 in the evening. but i was answered with, "AMA CLC Rosario, g'morning ah e, g'afternoon ah e g'night" that was m'gerley. i said "good evening maam". haha. she didn't even know anymore how to answer the phone at that time. i asked for s'joel, the professor who asked me to call back. he didn't tell me about anything that concerned my school performance. he just asked me to help him encode some things. i typed a little fast, so i get all these requests all the time. and then he told me that i should come and talk to him because i have a big part in the graduation mass. i asked if i was doing the sermon. i mean, it is the only big part in any mass, right? he laughed.

hmmm... i wasn't expecting my birthday to be celebrated. a simple greeting, just the thought that people remembered, would do. i mean really. i wouldn't be hurt if my parents didn't prepare anything for it. actually, i don't mind at all if people didn't greet me. it was alright. but of course, i expected a few people that are the closest to me to greet me. i'd be hurt if they didn't... family (my, dy and 3 siblings); one person i only know online but has been making a huge impact in my life, heck if i don't see him online, i panic; sean, a very close friend; and Jonathan Livingston Seagull, yes the Richard Bach bird... hehe. my birthday was complete when all these 8 individuals greeted me. they didn't forget. i'm grateful.

now, how do i feel that i'm 24? hmmm... honestly speaking, i don't feel anything has changed. it's just a number. i'm not ashamed that i am older. coz people in school tease me that i am older than 95% of school population. it's alright. i don't care. some people can't believe that i'm 24 already. maybe because i don't act like a "normal" girl errr lady errr woman (still confused). i don't put make up on or wear high-heeled shoes. i don't use face powder. hair is always down and is combed only after bathing. walk fast. laughter isn't controlled. t-shirt and jeans, my usual get up. i'm weird, they say. i like it to be that way though.

what a birthday...

Currently feeling: cheerful
Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 22, 2006 at 12:41 AM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me
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