It's scary how sometimes you're really sleepy one second but trembling the next moment because your mind suddenly flashes a memory you thought you have forgotten. But then you physically involuntarily jerk like you'd still like to bolt and run away from that event. Then you feel silly as you realize that you are geographically and chronologically far from that place.

But with a very real and a very now hammering heartbeat, you'd like to reach out to that 10-year-old girl and say that things will be alright and remind the 36-year-old woman to calm down, that she is safe now.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 19, 2018 at 01:42 AM | fly with me

I am jealous.

I saw J's pic post thanking K for the packed lunch. It even has handwritten notes from K.

I don't like that I am affected like this. So I am thinking why I felt the way that I did. Maybe because K never did it to me before? But upon thinking further, if K did pack lunch for me and wrote notes for me, would I appreciate it? I'm thinking that I only feel this way because J has K's attention now. But before, when I have all of K's attention, I feel nauseated, smothered.

Now that it's not like that anymore, what am I going to do? I don't want to grieve everytime I see posts from J and K. I don't want to feel irritated everytime I see them doing sweet things for each other.

I hate it anyways. I don't want people to hug me. Well, it's fine, I guess. But since I am really fat, when people hug me, all I can think about are my flabby stomach and arms or my body odor or my breath.

I don't want people to notice me. So I shouldn't be affected if I get ignored. But why am I irritated? Why am I jealous. I shouldn't be.

Maybe because I'm thinking that K should get my permission?

Well I should accept that she doesn't see me as her sister anymore. She has moved on to some other person to consider as her sister. That if she won a million, I am not her prio anymore, not like what she used to tell me.

So I should align my feelings and priority. Maybe because I feel some sort of an imbalance? Perhaps it's just like that. Before, K is the only one I talk to most of the time and I know that K was the same way to me.

Now, she's still the one I talk to most of the time, but she has J this time. So I feel brushed aside.

I should align my feelings and priority based on what I am observing as feelings and priority of K. To bring back the balance.

We work at the same company. Ok. That's just it. If she sometimes invites me to her and Jian's dinner outside, it's only because I am a colleague. The fact that she fetch me from my house to our workplace should be a big deal already.

I am her work best friend. Outside work, it's a different story.


I think I can live with that. I should not expect more. Because in reality, there's nothing more to expect.

I should not expect that I will be the first one to know if any new thing happens to her. I should not expect that I know everything about her. I should not expect that she will listen to me. I should not expect that my opinion will have any bearing on her life. Because I am just her work bestfriend.

In her personal life, my opinion does not matter. So I shouldn't get hurt if she listens to J and ignores what I am saying. There's nothing to it. It's just the way it is. Not worth worrying about. Not worth analyzing more.

I think this writing exercise helps me a lot to think things through. I definitely feel lighter.

So now, I am ready to focus on what matters. There's no more little nagging thoughts in my mind regarding this issue.

Thank you, Lord.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 10, 2018 at 02:32 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I'm trying to pick up drawing again. I started with an eye practice and then thought of sketching something for a friend. I also read an interesting article that creating art actually lowers stress. I remember a news that some line on a canvas was sold for a staggering amount of USD 43.8 M. IT WAS JUST A LINE! That should encourage me to draw more.

Then I saw a vid from this guy, Dino Tomic, who apparently just casually wipes off his salt art, even if it took him a lot of time doing them. One art even took 3 months for him to finish! I would have major depression if I do that to something I work hard for.

But I guess that's my problem -- setting great store on something or someone, allowing myself to put too much importance on the temporary.

My heart has got a lot to learn.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 5, 2018 at 12:11 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

Last paragraph of Chronicles of Narnia (The Last Battle - Book 7):

"And for us, this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 3, 2018 at 05:18 PM | fly with me

"Do you realize how many events and choices that had to occur since the birth of the universe leading to the making of you, just exactly the way you are?" -- Mrs. Which, A Wrinkle of Time movie

It's a curious thing, choice. I think the above question could have been profound. If I could only get a hold of the fullness of its meaning, I think I could learn something. It's perplexing how simple it has been said and yet somehow so complex. It could affect how I see things, how I see myself, how I see others. When I heard it, I could only say, "Wow!" Then I had to go back a few seconds so that I could write it word for word. I searched it on google. But apparently, it's not a quotable quote.

This is not a new idea. We know this is what's happening. But it struck me all the same. It's just very thought provoking. My mind is blown. I'm blabbing. I will stop now.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 31, 2018 at 06:19 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

To the man that God has given to me,

Today on your birthday, I declare all kinds of grace to abound in you from now until the rest of your days. But above everything else, I pray that you will hunger and thirst after God's word -- a kind of yearning that will give you sleepless nights unless you commune with Him.

I love you...

From the woman given to you by God

Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 27, 2018 at 12:00 AM | fly with me

Wow! I’m closer to 40 than 30.

I know that to those who have gone pass the age of 40, 36 does not mean anything. I feel you. I do understand. When teenagers make a huge deal about reaching their 20’s or when a 29-year-old panics upon turning 30, I can’t help but smirk, safe in my 30 something age, and say, “Ha! That’s chicken feed!

When I reached 25, I stopped caring about my age. So, when people ask me how old I am, I would get this blank look on my face and then remember to count from 1982 – in tens, to speed things up, just like how my Father taught me.

As I grow older, I’ve learned not to hide the truth that I prefer solitude. In my kindergarten and early elementary days, I would seek the solace of our town's library and lost myself in books. In my late elementary days until high school, I would seek the calmness of the local old Catholic church, slip inside, sit at the back pew, lean on the backrest, look up to the ceiling, close my eyes and listen to the echoes of the birds chirping. In my last year of high school up to late teens, I got lucky to be in the middle of nowhere surrounded by trees. In my college years, I would seek the serenity of a retreat camp. If I was at home, I would be inside my room – which I shared with one of my siblings and for the life of me, I can’t remember which of the three – reading. All these I did alone, away from people’s questioning eyes. Not every day. Just for a few minutes. I’m not even sure if my parents know that I did these. Now they do. If they have the patience to read this. Maybe I should make this longer?

People who know me before I became bold to become quiet will never describe me as, well, quiet or reserved. Before, when I was surrounded by people, I would be in the thick of things, speaking and doing something. I didn’t want to be belong.

But I’ve since learned to embrace isolation where I am most comfortable, and appreciate the interaction every once in a while – sincerely asking people how they’ve been even if it’s not their birthday, sporadic dinners with friends, or discreetly observing strangers and situations and finding something funny about it. All casual. But for me, they’re special, because I seldom do it. Added bonus are the friends who let me be me. As for my parents, siblings, husband, children, well, they don’t have a choice but to love me, no matter how weirder I may get.

I am currently on the process of trying to get to know the HS more. We’ll see where He’d take me.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 22, 2018 at 10:16 AM | fly with me

Love is what makes you smile when you are tired. - Paulo Coelho

Parang baliw lang. Genyon.

But seriously, it could be love for your spouse, your child, your friends, your relatives, your siblings, your parents, your pet dog, your pet cactus, your special someone, and above all, love for God.

If you stop, close your eyes, forget yourself and think of those whom you love, it does make you smile.

Cheesy, 'no? Yung tipong nakaka-gallstone na pagka-cheese. Pero true.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on March 13, 2018 at 11:31 PM | fly with me

Having calm demeanor on the outside, but the constant tumult inside is eating you up, gradual but deliberate.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 20, 2018 at 04:06 PM in My thoughts | fly with me
« Newer · »