CarizzCruzem

For others, it’s music; to some, it’s their boyfriend; for me, it’s school. It’s like a religion to me. I take my schooling seriously, too seriously perhaps. It’s not healthy, I know, but since I’ve failed in ALL the facets of my life—emotional, physiological, social, spiritual—name it, I’m a loser in all of them, I figured that education is my last resort. Needless to say, I made it a point to pass ALL of my exams. I prided myself with the confidence that, yeah ok, I may not get a perfect score, but I must at least get a 95% and NOT lower than that. So far, I’ve managed to do just that. However, this semester, well, there were many very disturbing things that happened—things that seriously affected my views in life. I’ve become a little agitated that I don’t do that well in school anymore. But I could still cope up.

Last week, we had our midterm examination. On the first day of the exam week, that was Wednesday, August 17, 2005, I didn’t answer 13 of the questions. Well actually, just 5 questions—3 were acronyms; and the other 2 were enumerations, 1 with 3 answers, the other with 7—so that amounted to 13 numbers. I was a little disappointed. But it was alright. It was my fault. Well you see, the prof has given us 22 pages—8 ½ x 11 inches—to study with. We just discussed the first chapters and that was it. So, I didn’t review or even glance at the chapters after them.

On the 3^rd and last day, something awful happened. You see, almost each exam runs for an hour except for laboratory exams in which case we get to type our way on the keyboard putting together syntax to create running programs for 1 ½ hour. However, I began to catch the habit of reviewing (still!) for the 1^st half of the hour and then take the test within the next 30 minutes. And this has become my routine. I’ve passed my previous tests this way so I didn’t think of changing it—until yesterday, August 19, 2005. So that was what I did—reviewed for 30 minutes and then went inside the room to take the test for the remaining 30 minutes. I took a seat and then glanced at the test. I felt confident. I knew all the answers. Test 1 was definition. Normally, I hate definition but that definition test was alright. Test 2 was enumeration, and I answered everything fine. Then, came the Test 3—discussion, sort of essay type test. Now, this was where it got a little difficult—well only because of the time limit and the discussion test had 8 numbers under it, mostly for 10 points each. Ok now, you must understand that I’m a writer. I may not write that good but I know I can write. Having said that, I don’t just write. When I write, I give my soul, my everything. And essay type test is no exception. Thus, I began giving my soul i.e., writing. I went through the third discussion alright. Then, I began writing the 4^th discussion. Half way through, what else would I hear but the bewitched timer of the proctor. I was shocked. “WHAT?!?! TIME ALREADY? THIS IS INSANE!!! THIS IS 40 POINTS OFF MY MIDTERM EXAMINATION!!!”

I didn’t get to answer 4 questions—FOUR FOR 10 POINTS EACH!!! I was irate! Mad as hell—mad at myself for not writing faster and for not getting inside the class any sooner! If anger could kill, you’d see corpses inside the school building with no survivors and even plants all dried out! I was that mad! I even cried—cried while changing to my P.E. uniform. I failed my exam. I was so down that I almost had to look up just to look down. So I went to Tejero gym for P.E. actual with blotched and puffed eyes. While waiting for the freshmen to finish their P.E actual, I sat on a bench and watched basketball. I pondered on what had happened. I knew some of my classmates didn’t finish the test too but they didn’t seem that concerned. I was the only one with red eyes. Then I realized, school has been my life. If you take school away from me, you would only see a hollow space. I looked at each of them, then it struck me, they have other lives. Their lives don’t revolve around school solely. They have social lives and they have passion apart from studying or school activities. One is a musician, another is a dancer, and some are online gamer experts. ME? I only have school. That was why I reacted that way.

While these thought were running in my mind, one particular man who was one of the basketball players caught my attention. He wasn’t good looking, no that wasn’t it, in fact, he was old, 55-60 years old, and he was limping. But though the obvious physical challenge, out of the 10 throws on the basket, he made 8. Not bad considering his gait. Then I realized, the limp didn’t make him stop playing basketball. Coz at that time, the thought of failing an exam made me want to waste everything I’ve worked for. I wasn’t that interested in studying anymore. You see, I knew the answers in that exam. I just ran out of time…

So then, I went about the P.E. actual. I didn’t feel good about my performance. Our P.E. actual was arnis self-defense and attack. But I didn’t care anymore. I went home straight after changing pants and shoes. While on my way home, I pondered (still!) on what had happened so far—the test, my not-so-concerned-about-the-test classmates, the man with a limp and finally, myself. Then I thought, perhaps, I should enhance my other skills—I could sing, I could dance, I could play guitar, drums, piano, I could paint, sketch, draw, I could write stories, poems, essays, I could cook—there are many other things I can do besides things about school, only I am not that good in all those things but I can develop, right? There’s always room for improvement. And I will do just that—improve. I won’t spend most of my time studying anymore. Of course, I should study but I promise myself not to devote most of my time on one thing. I should divide my time to different activities equally—so that if I fail in one, there are always other things to fall back on.

That night, a friend of mine said, “No one achieves success without failing first. In fact, someone once said that the best way to accelerate success is to double your failure. The law of failure is one of the most powerful of all success laws.” She didn’t know anything about what had happened that day. It’s very touching to realize that when you’re down, God has always something to cheer you up. I thought about what she said. Then I realized, of course, it’s true, I failed but what important is that I don’t stay a failure, that I should learn from my mistakes, stand up and move on. I may fall again, yes, but I should always stand back up and continue walking. Life goes on. And it’s good to have friends, isn’t it? Which reminds me, I should e-mail a friend who last received an email from me on March… hmmm… April?… I can’t remember anymore. I’m bad, I know.