nothing is working right this morning.

it's a new year... but things in the past have their claws on me.

my brother had an accident. he's just 15 but he knows how to drive a motorbike. so yeah, the old lady he crashed into is in the hospital right now and is in a terrible condition.

people will definitely not connect me to the accident, but my parents can still find a way to somehow blame it on me. every bad thing that happens in this family is blamed on me.

why? well because i was a bad daughter. no good thing can i do now could erase the bad things i did... be it nine years ago. to them, i'm still that bad daughter.

when my other siblings do bad things, i'm always the perfect example of the consequence of being bad. whatever it might be... even small things like not obliging to their command of going to the store to buy a 2-peso biscuit... they sure to mention my name and go over to the bad things i did. funny. even if i was when the bad thing happened, making my way through the labyrinth that is a market and with fingers turning blue from carrying a heavy load of viand... i'll still be blamed.

i try to do good things. i try being nice. i try smiling even when i feel like crying. but no... those things are not enough... will never be enough. it hurts.

it's not a good feeling. i hate feeling this way. i don't want to feel this way.

i realized, while walking a kilometer from the market to our eatery, i feel this way because i'm expecting too much and because i think i'm important. well, i think it's time to change my mindset.

i am not important and i should not expect good things to happen. so that when something bad happens, i won't get hurt. if people do bad things to me, it's because i am not important. but i should also try to do just right because i don't want to bother people. i was thinking of running in the street when a truck passed by. but then, i stopped. i realized that i shouldn't do that. why? well because the flow of everyone's job would get interrupted. the truck would stop, or if it would be a hit and run, they'll be guilty. and my family would go through the process of my burial. they're not that heartless as to just throw me into the river. so yeah, i don't want them to go through all that.

so now, i'm trying not to get hurt by thinking that things are because i am not important.

this morning, our computer wouldn't work. the programs i've been working on for the past two weeks are saved in this computer. sleepless nights, skipped meals, beatings from my brother, and scoldings from everyone would be nulled.

i won't care about much anymore. why? well because if i do, i'd get hurt. i feel strong about people throwing their garbage in the street. they unwrap their candy and then just drop the wrapper. people get a lecture from me because of that. and when people are discriminated, i'm the first one to retaliate against the oppressor. but i won't do that anymore. why should i? why should i care for the nature? why should i care for this little people? no. now, i'll be unimportant and forget my principles.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 11, 2006 at 03:21 AM in My thoughts | 4 flew with me

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Comment posted on February 13th, 2006 at 11:22 AM
hey hija. cheer up. it rains once in a while. what's so good about rain is that it brings growth. ;)
Comment posted on February 13th, 2006 at 08:49 PM
it does ingkong. but too much of anything is bad. so i hope this rain doesn't flood this plant... (or am i a plant?)

well anyways, i'm glad ur back.

i'm still sounding grumpy, i know. well things aren't any better. but... oh well, i always say that you may not be able to choose the situation, but you can always choose how you feel.

thank you for reminding me ingkong. i don't want to shoo away the people that are nice to me.
Comment posted on February 11th, 2006 at 03:50 AM
YOU are IMPORTANT.

I understand how it feels when people seem to just run over you and make you feel like you're the most insignificant being on the surface of the earth.

But hey, I just want to let you know that we all exist with a purpose (I think i don't wanna sound charismatic now). It may appear that your family does not appreciate you right now but I'm sure, their life will never be the same if they'll lose you.
Comment posted on February 12th, 2006 at 05:00 AM
dude... i don't need to be appreciated. but i don't also need to be reminded of the bad things i did in the past and constantly at that.

i'm sorry if i sound so negative. it's just that... now... i don't feel like being positive. i sure appreciate ur effort and taking time to comment (though we don't know each other). but then... now?... advices would just go on deaf ears.

but that's me. just let me sulk for a day or two and you'll see me laughing my ass off the following day. i will come to my senses. soon i hope. i am usually in a happy mood. but a person can only take so much of these negative things. i am a normal person (i think), and i have different kinds of feelings. mood swings. though i can only feel the extremes. if i'm happy, then i'm jumping up and down; but if i'm sad, i don't talk to anyone except to write about it. hence my response to your comment is just now.

but i can't stay down for too long.

in short, thank you...