CarizzCruzem

Rejected. This word affects how I view myself and how I relate to others.

Putting myself down is my defense mechanism against rejection. In my twisted logic, since I am ugly and worthless, I don't deserve to assert my right for anything or anyone. Thus, I won't get hurt if something that becomes really important to me is taken away from me or if someone I treasure pushes me away. Sure, I would still cry. But to cope with the pain, I would reason within myself that it is just a validation of my ugliness and my worthlessness.

But hurt I do get. Little by little, brick by brick, I put walls around me to shield myself from hurting again. I never allow anyone to see inside because I am very sure that no one will accept me for who I am when they see the real me. I guess that's why I can't think of any person who I can call my best friend.

I put on a facade for people around me. I always joke around and I've acquired a bitter tongue. I guess, it is to hide my fear. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I want everyone to think that I am strong, that I am ok. I've mastered the skill of crying silently. I never squeak a word to anyone if I'm struggling about something. It is actually my parents' frustration. I never tell them what's bothering me. I never tell them what's wrong.

I have zero self-esteem. I'm prepared to accept criticism because that's what I always do to myself. So whenever I hear occasional praises, I don't know how to respond. However, even with the shield and the facade, people never fail to hurt me. So, I've learned to hide and run away. The same thing happens every time though -- characters change, the setting varies, but the plot remains the same -- rejected.

But, finally, I mustered the courage to try and decided to let someone peek inside my walls, to see who I really was. I was very sure that I'd be accepted. But, yet again, I was rejected. I was crushed, torn apart, broken into thousand pieces and scattered abroad. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love you.

My initial thought was to hide and run away again. I agonized inside and cried out to God. I made a bargain with him. Physical death is not our end. Either we'll live in eternal damnation or eternal life with God. But, I got tired just thinking about living forever. I asked God that If I did everything he wanted me to do, if it was possible for my reward to be annihilation. I wanted God to just zap me into nothingness.

Then, my mind riveted on Jesus. Then it hit me. Jesus can identify with what I am going through! On a grander scale even, because he has loved to the point of death but he was and still is rejected. Even God the Father himself turned his back away from Jesus once because it was against the nature of the Father to look to sin. Jesus himself became the embodiment of sin. He needed to be so, so he could snatch us away from the consequence of sin which is eternal death. I was like, "Wow, Lord! You must be feeling a lot worse than what I am feeling." Jesus poured out his all for us, but we still fail to give back our all to him. We still reserve some things for ourselves.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Stay. I was racking my brain out to see any glimpse of hope or to see any sliver of purpose for this kind of heightened pain. And then I started to realize a lot of things.

In thinking the way I did, in putting myself down, I've pushed a lot of people away. In making sure that I don't get hurt, I've hurt those people who truly care for me. And by running away, I never recognized that I've been looking for something or someone to fill that void, that longing to be accepted. But since I expected to be rejected, sure enough, that is always what I get, time and time again.

God made me look to him. Let me heal you. He asked me to stay and open myself up to him, so he can fill this void. This is the one thing that I am not totally surrendering to him. I strived hard to be good so God could accept me. Sure I know that I am saved by grace. But whenever I fail to do good things, I punish myself mentally and emotionally. I never thought God can accept me for who I really am. That I needed to do something so he can really love me.

But that's not how he works. God first loved us and that love will enable us to do good. He didn't love me because of my flawless personality, because everyone knows that I am too flawed to say the least. He has loved me because it is his choice. Not because I am lovable, but because he chose to love me so. That even if I'm like this, he still loves and cares for me.

When Humpty Dumpty fell into thousands of pieces, all the king's horses and all the king's men collected the pieces but they all fail to put him back together again even with their joint efforts. And so I realize, yes, I am trying to rely on people to put me back together. I look to people to pacify my feelings of loneliness. I depend on people's acceptance to make me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. But everyone fail miserably, and that's when I feel rejected. God tugged at my heartstrings. I am the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The King himself wants to gather all my pieces and make me whole. Or maybe, I needed to be crushed time and time again so he can shape me in the image that he wants me to.

God wants me to stay and be satisfied with His love alone. That even if everyone rejects me, I would still be alright because God's love sustains me, that God's love would be really more than enough for me. The purpose of this ordeal is so I can overcome my feeling of rejection. God wants me to realize that being rejected is not a validation of my unworthiness.

I asked God how about the people around me. What would they think of me? I know they would question my efforts and my intentions. And then God made me look at judgment day, when everything will be brought out to light. Yes, I have hope. Maybe they won't understand now. But I don't need to explain myself, because they would know the whole truth on that glorious day when God would have all books open up where all accounts of our lives are recorded.

You might be wondering if God is a masochist. I think not. By experiencing this kind of pain, I began to appreciate more what Jesus did on the cross. Just like when we pray for patience. God would allow us to go through situations that would test our patience. If we pass, then we would know if we're patient already.

I never asked God to do something about my feeling of rejection. But I guess, it's something that I don't really see that he needs to work on. It's become a natural part of my life that I never thought it was wrong. "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed." This is my prayer. So I guess, God made me go through this so I can show him that rejection from people is negligible because God is all I ever needed.

I have a heavy burden. But Jesus asks me to come to him because he has promised to give me rest. Take your cross daily and follow me. It's a daily decision to carry the load he wants us to take and follow him still. In my case, it's a minute by minute choice because I tend to go back and dwell on self-pity. God's grace is sufficient. His strength is revealed in my weakness. He's promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I can do this because I am on God's side!