Rejected. This word affects how I view myself and how I relate to others.

Putting myself down is my defense mechanism against rejection. In my twisted logic, since I am ugly and worthless, I don't deserve to assert my right for anything or anyone. Thus, I won't get hurt if something that becomes really important to me is taken away from me or if someone I treasure pushes me away. Sure, I would still cry. But to cope with the pain, I would reason within myself that it is just a validation of my ugliness and my worthlessness.

But hurt I do get. Little by little, brick by brick, I put walls around me to shield myself from hurting again. I never allow anyone to see inside because I am very sure that no one will accept me for who I am when they see the real me. I guess that's why I can't think of any person who I can call my best friend.

I put on a facade for people around me. I always joke around and I've acquired a bitter tongue. I guess, it is to hide my fear. I don't want anyone to see my weakness. I don't want anyone to see me crying. I want everyone to think that I am strong, that I am ok. I've mastered the skill of crying silently. I never squeak a word to anyone if I'm struggling about something. It is actually my parents' frustration. I never tell them what's bothering me. I never tell them what's wrong.

I have zero self-esteem. I'm prepared to accept criticism because that's what I always do to myself. So whenever I hear occasional praises, I don't know how to respond. However, even with the shield and the facade, people never fail to hurt me. So, I've learned to hide and run away. The same thing happens every time though -- characters change, the setting varies, but the plot remains the same -- rejected.

But, finally, I mustered the courage to try and decided to let someone peek inside my walls, to see who I really was. I was very sure that I'd be accepted. But, yet again, I was rejected. I was crushed, torn apart, broken into thousand pieces and scattered abroad. I've learned the hard way that you can't force someone to love you.

My initial thought was to hide and run away again. I agonized inside and cried out to God. I made a bargain with him. Physical death is not our end. Either we'll live in eternal damnation or eternal life with God. But, I got tired just thinking about living forever. I asked God that If I did everything he wanted me to do, if it was possible for my reward to be annihilation. I wanted God to just zap me into nothingness.

Then, my mind riveted on Jesus. Then it hit me. Jesus can identify with what I am going through! On a grander scale even, because he has loved to the point of death but he was and still is rejected. Even God the Father himself turned his back away from Jesus once because it was against the nature of the Father to look to sin. Jesus himself became the embodiment of sin. He needed to be so, so he could snatch us away from the consequence of sin which is eternal death. I was like, "Wow, Lord! You must be feeling a lot worse than what I am feeling." Jesus poured out his all for us, but we still fail to give back our all to him. We still reserve some things for ourselves.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart. Stay. I was racking my brain out to see any glimpse of hope or to see any sliver of purpose for this kind of heightened pain. And then I started to realize a lot of things.

In thinking the way I did, in putting myself down, I've pushed a lot of people away. In making sure that I don't get hurt, I've hurt those people who truly care for me. And by running away, I never recognized that I've been looking for something or someone to fill that void, that longing to be accepted. But since I expected to be rejected, sure enough, that is always what I get, time and time again.

God made me look to him. Let me heal you. He asked me to stay and open myself up to him, so he can fill this void. This is the one thing that I am not totally surrendering to him. I strived hard to be good so God could accept me. Sure I know that I am saved by grace. But whenever I fail to do good things, I punish myself mentally and emotionally. I never thought God can accept me for who I really am. That I needed to do something so he can really love me.

But that's not how he works. God first loved us and that love will enable us to do good. He didn't love me because of my flawless personality, because everyone knows that I am too flawed to say the least. He has loved me because it is his choice. Not because I am lovable, but because he chose to love me so. That even if I'm like this, he still loves and cares for me.

When Humpty Dumpty fell into thousands of pieces, all the king's horses and all the king's men collected the pieces but they all fail to put him back together again even with their joint efforts. And so I realize, yes, I am trying to rely on people to put me back together. I look to people to pacify my feelings of loneliness. I depend on people's acceptance to make me feel that there's nothing wrong with me. But everyone fail miserably, and that's when I feel rejected. God tugged at my heartstrings. I am the King of kings and the Lord of lords. The King himself wants to gather all my pieces and make me whole. Or maybe, I needed to be crushed time and time again so he can shape me in the image that he wants me to.

God wants me to stay and be satisfied with His love alone. That even if everyone rejects me, I would still be alright because God's love sustains me, that God's love would be really more than enough for me. The purpose of this ordeal is so I can overcome my feeling of rejection. God wants me to realize that being rejected is not a validation of my unworthiness.

I asked God how about the people around me. What would they think of me? I know they would question my efforts and my intentions. And then God made me look at judgment day, when everything will be brought out to light. Yes, I have hope. Maybe they won't understand now. But I don't need to explain myself, because they would know the whole truth on that glorious day when God would have all books open up where all accounts of our lives are recorded.

You might be wondering if God is a masochist. I think not. By experiencing this kind of pain, I began to appreciate more what Jesus did on the cross. Just like when we pray for patience. God would allow us to go through situations that would test our patience. If we pass, then we would know if we're patient already.

I never asked God to do something about my feeling of rejection. But I guess, it's something that I don't really see that he needs to work on. It's become a natural part of my life that I never thought it was wrong. "You're all I want. You're all I ever needed." This is my prayer. So I guess, God made me go through this so I can show him that rejection from people is negligible because God is all I ever needed.

I have a heavy burden. But Jesus asks me to come to him because he has promised to give me rest. Take your cross daily and follow me. It's a daily decision to carry the load he wants us to take and follow him still. In my case, it's a minute by minute choice because I tend to go back and dwell on self-pity. God's grace is sufficient. His strength is revealed in my weakness. He's promised to never leave me nor forsake me. I can do this because I am on God's side!

Currently listening to: Father's love letter
Currently feeling: calm
Posted by CarizzCruzem on July 10, 2010 at 12:38 PM in My thoughts | 25 flew with me

Want to comment with Tabulas?. Please login.

ihcah (guest)

Comment posted on December 19th, 2010 at 08:36 AM
Not anymore. She has finally moved on. In love...happy...
Comment posted on November 29th, 2010 at 08:04 PM

I think...

Never mind what I thought.

Can't possibly be.

snob (guest)

Comment posted on July 21st, 2010 at 11:32 AM
Sometimes GOD remove a person in your life for your own protection. Dont run after them, dont feel bad because they reject you, GOD is always there loving you..
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:50 AM
All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purpose.

My hope there is the word "all". I know that no matter how painful things had been, even if I can't see it now, but I trust God that he'll be able to use every beat of my broken heart for his glory alone.

I will never sell myself short again for second best. Because I know God's best and his blessings are without sorrow.

God is showing me things in light of forever. And when I've begun to see things in that way, I realize how petty the happenings of today are. I won't lose my joy of eternity over the sorrows of today. And I am determined to do just that.

liz (guest)

Comment posted on July 15th, 2010 at 02:33 PM
hmmm ito rin ba ung napuntahan ko before?

naka relate naman daw ako sa post mo kapatid thou dumugo ilong ko hehehe

God Bless
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:39 AM
Yung Jiyuu? Sa blogspot yun. Pero binigyan mo ko ng idea na ilagay dito yung story. Hehe... Tenchu!

Dumugo ba ilong mo? Whehehehe... Bigyan kita tissue!
Comment posted on July 15th, 2010 at 02:37 AM
Well said. :) I was just re-reading Max Lucado's Next Door Savior yesterday, particularly about the part where this is reiterated:

"Jesus can identify with what I am going through."
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:37 AM
It's a huge encouragement when you really grasp and take a hold of that thought. Take a deep breath and say, "Jesus can identify with what I am goung through." Calming, even if you're in the midst of a very tumultous situation.

Boh (guest)

Comment posted on July 14th, 2010 at 11:48 PM
Great post. Leaves you kinda vulnerable though. Brave of you to write about it. Haiz. Rejection--who doesn't experience it one time or another? Glad you're working through it. I kinda have a similar reaction. If people (family included) don't respond positively towards me I always think: "I wish I were good enough or pretty enough in their eyes." I still think that way lots of times in the face of rejection. yes, even when I know how precious I am in God's eyes. The thing is I see people and they see me. God sees me but I can't see Him. So the affirmation thing is kinda off with me most times. Gets ba? I think I'm meandering again. anyway, great post =)
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:31 AM
Wow Ma! Thanks for sharing po. I never thought you go through the same thing.

Jesus said that we should take up our cross daily. I accept this as my cross. My burden. And it's up to me if I will be faithful in carrying it daily. The keyword is daily. It connotes that at some point during the day, we'll put our crosses down and then we'll be faced with the decision to carry it again when the next day comes. It's not a one time choice. For me Ma, it's a minute by minute decision. Whehehehe...

Love you po!
Comment posted on July 13th, 2010 at 04:12 AM
How I wish I had this kind of faith. :) Mine is like the little mustard seed, still enclosed in it's shell. :(
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:25 AM
Well at least you didn't put a full stop on yourself. A small seed has a full potential to become a tree and be of much use. However, the bible said that in order for a seed to grow and bear much fruit, it needs to die first.

Perhaps, that's what I need to do. Die to myself so I can grown and bear much fruit.

Thanks for the idea ;)

Chichi (guest)

Comment posted on July 12th, 2010 at 07:23 AM
People around make us believe na sila ang tunay nating mga kaibigan, but yet they failed to show that and syempre ksama na tyo don..
Real friend will give you everything that you need and even His life..

Ive learn na di masyado dumepende sa tao, yes they are gifts from God pra hindi tyo malungkot, yhey are just companion, nothing more and nothing less.. Remember Adam and Eve.

Same here, sa totoo lang bilang nlng kaibigan ko nung bumalik me here sa Pinas and I realize na kaibigan mo sila pag kasa kasama mo lang sila in PHYSICALLY, I rely too much sa mga kaibigan na muntik ko na makalimutan ung Greates friend ko.. God made me realize sa Kanya lang tlga magtrust...

Ok lang yan float, God with us. ^_^
Comment posted on July 24th, 2010 at 01:13 AM
While running the race, God makes us meet people along the way. Many of them will sprint with us and then break away after a few miles. Some will jog with us and savor the sceneries we see along the way. But then they too will meet some other runners, and sometimes, they don't have any choice but to leave us and run with their newfound fellow runners. Rarely will we be able to find someone who'll run with us from the moment we met them.

But we know that throughout the whole race, the only constant thing we have is God. Nevertheless, they sure make our journey interesting... uphill, down the valley, along a vast desert, under the sea, through a tempest of storm and even the most boring walk.

These people that he allows us to meet are God's instruments so we'd be molded into his image from glory to glory until we finish the race. And on that day, my prayer is that we'll hear the master say, "My good and faithful servant, you have been faithful in a few things, I'll make you ruler over many. Enter into my joy."

Miss you Chers!
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 03:55 PM
I believe that millions of people in all areas of life can relate on this. This will be an encouragement for everyone who are dealing with rejection. It is good that you have come to realize that your experience of rejection is nothing compared to worst rejection God has ever had. He is the best example, on how He coped up with rejection, He experienced it throughout His life, He prayed, He depended on Our Father. He trusted God that whatever trials that come His way, however hard it is, the end of the journey is still going to be a happy ending. God called you to stay and He will heal you. He has compassion on those who are rejected, he knows as He did experience it and He is still experiencing it. He will be there to encourage & uplift you. Inevitably, some people will accept you, some will not. It is a natural thing -a fact of life. Like God, some rejected Him but many accepted Him. If some rejects you, then accept it, you can't do anything about it, but if some accepted you, and loved you just the way you are, treasure them - don't push them away as God is sending them to love you, to care for you, and provide you the support you need in whatever way. Since I know you personally, you are not ugly & worthless, in fact, you are exactly the opposite - beautiful, loving & talented person. It's just that you have a self limiting outlook that you devalue your qualities & abilities. Love yourself, don't keep putting yourself down and learn to acknowledge your possitive qualities & skills. That will help you boost your self esteem. I love you girl just the way you are...God Bless you...
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 08:47 PM
My confidence is in God. Whehehehe... may hangover pa ng naudlot na hotpot. Waaaaaaaah! Yabyu!
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 10:11 AM
thanks for posting, i can relate to this but I'm not consistent with being "renewed", it boils down to low self-esteem but i think i just need to work more on being on God's side :)

thank you
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 08:44 PM
Life can be overwhelming if we take a step back and try to see everything.

We can't and God never expects us to grasp the whole thing at once.

But God can. He sees the whole picture. He knows your beginning, your ending, and the in-betweens. So what we can do is trust God that no matter what life throws at us, he'll be able to see us through.

God never promised a smooth sailing. But he promised to be there with us when waves of hardships try to capsize our boat. He's promised to never leave us nor forsake us.
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 10:09 PM
noted. I'll try my best. Thank you :)
I should pray more often, I should not be selfish with my time especially my time for God :)

aja! we can do this! >;D
Comment posted on July 12th, 2010 at 12:31 AM
That's the spirit.

We can do this!!!

Comment posted on July 12th, 2010 at 06:21 AM
yes we can!

nowtbuk (guest)

Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 04:59 AM
I had my moments of self-pity too, and right now, I'm just starting to offer those feelings to God. It's just that there's this thought in my mind that tells me, it's still up to us to take the wheel of our lives. God is there to guide us.
I don't know what's right or wrong about how we should take God in our lives, but well, the good thing is that God is there to let us know that we are still human. We needed Someone to help us carry our burdens.
Comment posted on July 11th, 2010 at 08:39 PM
If you believe that God created us, then you'll also realize that he wants us to include him in our lives.

He doesn't want to be just an spectator, just sitting on the sidelines watching how we run our lives. He wants to be a part of it, every facet of it.

I am not perfect. I can never say that I have attained this spiritual high of certainty in my life. What I do is take a little step one at a time, and yes, you're right, with God's guidance.

Because we know, that with God guiding us, we can never lose. Sure, we'd make mistakes every now and then, but as long as our lives are surrendered to him, then we always have hope.

If we lose our hope, then that's the end of us.
Comment posted on July 10th, 2010 at 01:27 PM
Man, I can relate to you completely! I do that to myself all the time, and yet my attempts to avoid getting hurt, hurt even more, because the optimistic side of my always hopes it'd turn out oppositely. So, either way, I'm always disappointed. You're not alone.
Comment posted on July 10th, 2010 at 01:58 PM
It sure helps to know that I'm not alone. Thanks.

What's important is that we don't lose our hope and that we keep on believing that something good will turn up sooner or later. That "something good" might take long in coming, but it will come.

Our hope is found in Jesus. With him on our side, we know that we can't lose.