Ironic, really, that the person who promised that I’d never ever cry alone again was the very reason I cried and made me doubt my existence. This time last year, I’d known someone who could’ve been my best friend. We were comfortable with each other. My book was taken. I, on the other hand, took socks. Then it happened. My book was given back to me one night. I wasn’t asking for it. So, yes, I was hurt. Questions swirled around my head. I tried to find answers to no avail. But that night gave birth to a lot of realizations.

“I won’t lose my joy of eternity over the sorrows of today.” This sentence was coined that night and has since become my sacred slogan, if you may. It was like I found a key that opened up one door, which held another key that could unbolt another door. And so I began unlocking doors. Each concealed room holds a nugget of truth – wisdom for my taking. I hunger and thirst not just to understand the Word but to experience him in my life as well. Things become petty when I look at them in light of forever. And the direction of my spiritual spotlight changed from “Use me” to “Bring more glory to your name.”

Then, I saw in my mind that day when I’d come face to face with God. I trembled and deep sadness overwhelmed my soul. I stood in front of God, head bowed, with only myself to give back. And then I understood. As much as I was broken when my book was returned to me, God would be all the more crushed when that day comes when I have to give account of what I did to what he has entrusted to me.

What am I doing with the gifts I had been given? What am I doing with myself? I was convicted of my selfishness. I had been gauging my Christian walk with how other Christians live. I was reasoning within myself that I was ok because so and so sister or brother weren’t attending church regularly. “At least, I am a member of the music team,” was how I made excuses for myself. But it was all hypocrisy.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

I need Jesus, badly. Before I can continue my walk with God, I have to be very honest with myself. I cannot weigh my status with God base on others. I was in a despicable state. And God, with his everlasting love, came to my rescue.

Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord comes, who will both bring to light the hidden things of darkness and reveal the counsels of the hearts. Then each one’s praise will come from God.

God will judge us individually. When I stand before God and he asks me, I cannot point my fingers to others and say, “But God, she is like this!” or “Lord, do you know what that guy did?” I imagine God slowly shaking his head and looking at me pitifully. No. It doesn’t work that way. Everything will be brought out to light – my reactions, my thoughts, my intents, my excuses – all of it, nothing will be hidden. I don’t want to cry out of shame. It wasn’t what I’d imagined, but with the way I was going, that wouldn’t be far from happening.

My ideal scenario would be me running to God in his outstretched arms. Not that I would be out of my wits trying to hide from embarrassment. I want that day to be a loving get-together. The day when I would finally meet my Creator and the Creator, lovingly looking at me and saying, “Finally, the apple of my eye.”

That night, I determined to myself that when that glorious day comes, when I have fulfilled my purpose here on earth, I would like to hear the Father exclaim, “My good and faithful servant, you have been faithful with a few things, I will make you ruler over many. Come, enter into my rest.”

Currently listening to: Kalinga
Currently feeling: contemplative
Posted by CarizzCruzem on August 15, 2010 at 12:00 AM | fly with me

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