I am jealous.

I saw J's pic post thanking K for the packed lunch. It even has handwritten notes from K.

I don't like that I am affected like this. So I am thinking why I felt the way that I did. Maybe because K never did it to me before? But upon thinking further, if K did pack lunch for me and wrote notes for me, would I appreciate it? I'm thinking that I only feel this way because J has K's attention now. But before, when I have all of K's attention, I feel nauseated, smothered.

Now that it's not like that anymore, what am I going to do? I don't want to grieve everytime I see posts from J and K. I don't want to feel irritated everytime I see them doing sweet things for each other.

I hate it anyways. I don't want people to hug me. Well, it's fine, I guess. But since I am really fat, when people hug me, all I can think about are my flabby stomach and arms or my body odor or my breath.

I don't want people to notice me. So I shouldn't be affected if I get ignored. But why am I irritated? Why am I jealous. I shouldn't be.

Maybe because I'm thinking that K should get my permission?

Well I should accept that she doesn't see me as her sister anymore. She has moved on to some other person to consider as her sister. That if she won a million, I am not her prio anymore, not like what she used to tell me.

So I should align my feelings and priority. Maybe because I feel some sort of an imbalance? Perhaps it's just like that. Before, K is the only one I talk to most of the time and I know that K was the same way to me.

Now, she's still the one I talk to most of the time, but she has J this time. So I feel brushed aside.

I should align my feelings and priority based on what I am observing as feelings and priority of K. To bring back the balance.

We work at the same company. Ok. That's just it. If she sometimes invites me to her and Jian's dinner outside, it's only because I am a colleague. The fact that she fetch me from my house to our workplace should be a big deal already.

I am her work best friend. Outside work, it's a different story.


I think I can live with that. I should not expect more. Because in reality, there's nothing more to expect.

I should not expect that I will be the first one to know if any new thing happens to her. I should not expect that I know everything about her. I should not expect that she will listen to me. I should not expect that my opinion will have any bearing on her life. Because I am just her work bestfriend.

In her personal life, my opinion does not matter. So I shouldn't get hurt if she listens to J and ignores what I am saying. There's nothing to it. It's just the way it is. Not worth worrying about. Not worth analyzing more.

I think this writing exercise helps me a lot to think things through. I definitely feel lighter.

So now, I am ready to focus on what matters. There's no more little nagging thoughts in my mind regarding this issue.

Thank you, Lord.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on April 10, 2018 at 02:32 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

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