CarizzCruzem

Last paragraph of Chronicles of Narnia (The Last Battle - Book 7):

"And for us, this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

CarizzCruzem

I'm trying to pick up drawing again. I started with an eye practice and then thought of sketching something for a friend. I also read an interesting article that creating art actually lowers stress. I remember a news that some line on a canvas was sold for a staggering amount of USD 43.8 M. IT WAS JUST A LINE! That should encourage me to draw more.

Then I saw a vid from this guy, Dino Tomic, who apparently just casually wipes off his salt art, even if it took him a lot of time doing them. One art even took 3 months for him to finish! I would have major depression if I do that to something I work hard for.

But I guess that's my problem -- setting great store on something or someone, allowing myself to put too much importance on the temporary.

My heart has got a lot to learn.

I am jealous.

I saw J's pic post thanking K for the packed lunch. It even has handwritten notes from K.

I don't like that I am affected like this. So I am thinking why I felt the way that I did. Maybe because K never did it to me before? But upon thinking further, if K did pack lunch for me and wrote notes for me, would I appreciate it? I'm thinking that I only feel this way because J has K's attention now. But before, when I have all of K's attention, I feel nauseated, smothered.

Now that it's not like that anymore, what am I going to do? I don't want to grieve everytime I see posts from J and K. I don't want to feel irritated everytime I see them doing sweet things for each other.

I hate it anyways. I don't want people to hug me. Well, it's fine, I guess. But since I am really fat, when people hug me, all I can think about are my flabby stomach and arms or my body odor or my breath.

I don't want people to notice me. So I shouldn't be affected if I get ignored. But why am I irritated? Why am I jealous. I shouldn't be.

Maybe because I'm thinking that K should get my permission?

Well I should accept that she doesn't see me as her sister anymore. She has moved on to some other person to consider as her sister. That if she won a million, I am not her prio anymore, not like what she used to tell me.

So I should align my feelings and priority. Maybe because I feel some sort of an imbalance? Perhaps it's just like that. Before, K is the only one I talk to most of the time and I know that K was the same way to me.

Now, she's still the one I talk to most of the time, but she has J this time. So I feel brushed aside.

I should align my feelings and priority based on what I am observing as feelings and priority of K. To bring back the balance.

We work at the same company. Ok. That's just it. If she sometimes invites me to her and Jian's dinner outside, it's only because I am a colleague. The fact that she fetch me from my house to our workplace should be a big deal already.

I am her work best friend. Outside work, it's a different story.

Ok.

I think I can live with that. I should not expect more. Because in reality, there's nothing more to expect.

I should not expect that I will be the first one to know if any new thing happens to her. I should not expect that I know everything about her. I should not expect that she will listen to me. I should not expect that my opinion will have any bearing on her life. Because I am just her work bestfriend.

In her personal life, my opinion does not matter. So I shouldn't get hurt if she listens to J and ignores what I am saying. There's nothing to it. It's just the way it is. Not worth worrying about. Not worth analyzing more.

I think this writing exercise helps me a lot to think things through. I definitely feel lighter.

So now, I am ready to focus on what matters. There's no more little nagging thoughts in my mind regarding this issue.

Thank you, Lord.

It's scary how sometimes you're really sleepy one second but trembling the next moment because your mind suddenly flashes a memory you thought you have forgotten. But then you physically involuntarily jerk like you'd still like to bolt and run away from that event. Then you feel silly as you realize that you are geographically and chronologically far from that place.

But with a very real and a very now hammering heartbeat, you'd like to reach out to that 10-year-old girl and say that things will be alright and remind the 36-year-old woman to calm down, that she is safe now.