Sorry my younger me. No fight left in me. Need to rest.

I need someone to intervene with what's happening to me. I feel nothing. I don't even feel worthless anymore. I just don't feel anything. At night, I can't sleep when everything is silent. I toss and turn and can't seem to find the perfect position to travel to dreamland. So I put my earphones on and let the music drone on. But I don't dream. Or if I do, I forget once I woke up. Something's wrong with me. But I can't pinpoint what. I know I should be doing something worthwhile. But I just let the time slip by, time that I cannot get back, precious time gone forever. I want to cry but I don't want to show people that I'm crying. I mean, what if they ask me what's wrong? I won't know what to tell them. I don't know what's wrong. I just know that there's something wrong, but I don't know what exactly and it's making me want to cry.

I need help.

CarizzCruzem

This time last year, I was preparing for a musical. Little did I know that after a year, I would prepare for a bigger event, this time, my wedding day. This is it.

Lord, may your name be blessed this day. Thank you po....

“When you’re depressed, talk. We are here for you.”

But sometimes, it is easier to be silent than say what you’re thinking without filter and risk your thoughts to come out as accusation. Sometimes, it is simpler to keep mum than opening up and hear advises that you cannot grasp.

Because how will you explain those times when you just got promoted but you still feel down? What is your reason for crying even if you are just staring at your computer monitor? There are times when you can’t stop yourself but ask what is wrong with yourself, but you get upset when someone answers because you don’t really know if you need resolution.

CarizzCruzem

There is good that is not of God and is not submitted to Him.

It wasn't the evil side of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil that Eve was drawn to. It was the good side.

Genesis 3:6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate.

Most "good" people, and especially Christian people,are not drawn to dark music with blatantly rebellious lyrics, mass murder, grand larceny, or any such blatantly evil behavior. Most are deceived by and drawn to behavior and things that seem right, good, and wise but are contrary to God's wisdom.

Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.

(Excerpt from Good or God by John Bevere, pp. 8-9)

CarizzCruzem

Our mouths say Jesus is our Lord, but our actions imply that we don't want a King, but only a consultant in the person of Jesus to advise us as we order our lives, fulfill our aspirations and reach our dreams. (Paraphrasing Timothy Keller)

Psalm 37:4 is never about us desiring and God giving in to our desires -- as we usually think this verse means. It is always about God putting his desires in our hearts and him fulfilling those very same desires, which he himself placed inside us . And this will only happen if we delight in him.

CarizzCruzem

I’ve never really thought about that saying before, tonight though, this concept came to my mind. But I think this saying is only applicable to friends who you interact with constantly. You know, the people who knew what you ate for breakfast and what time you sleep at night, not the friends you have lost touch with and you occasionally greet happy birthday to when that day comes.

A friend, of some time ago, once told me about micro-evolution. So, after the flood, we all just came from Noah, right? But why are there various skin shades? The friend mentioned micro-evolution, which explains that we adapt based on our surroundings. So those people who got scattered to some tropical latitudes developed darker skin. Ok so I don’t know the specifics, so please don’t kill me.

Anyway, so perhaps, friendship is something like that. You have this childhood friend who you never parted with. They were your neighbors, you went to school together, you ate lunch together, you came home from school together, you played games together, basically what you might call a sibling from another set of parents. But then, in high school, you went to a different school. Each of you made other friends. You didn’t see each other as often. You couldn’t play games together anymore as your schedules didn’t match.

You miss them terribly. Then finally, you found time to talk. You were excited to tell all sorts of stories. But then, you realized, you couldn’t talk the same way to this friend anymore. Something's different. They couldn’t understand you the way they did before. And you couldn't understand where they were coming from. It’s because, yes, each of you adapted to the environment you became absorbed in.

But it didn’t just happen with your childhood friend, same thing happened with your high school friends, college friends, friends in your early twenties, friends in your late twenties, friends in your previous job, friends in your previous house, and other friends who you’ve lost touch with.

You’ve adapted. They’ve adapted.

You've changed. They've changed.

You've both grown, but apart.

It’s neither right nor wrong. I guess that’s just how things are. Perhaps, if you and your friend who you’ve lost touch with work on communicating again, the same level of understanding might come back. Or maybe, you’re just really meant to be a part of each other’s lives during that chapter of your existence.

To the individual friends who became very dear to me in various stages of my life, we may not talk often, but know that nostalgia invades me whenever I am reminded of each of you. We may have grown apart, but the effect you created in my heart will remain.

CarizzCruzem

Alam mo yung sardines-packed ang metro tas nagta-try ka makidaan pero si Ateng na pinag-e-excuse-an mo eh nakaharang, nakatitig sayo at paulit ulit ng tanong na, "Are you going down here?" "Is this your station?" "Are you sure?" "In ADCB or Burjuman? at kung anu-ano pang variation ng tanong na yan tas paulit ulit ka din ng sagot ng "Yes!", hanggang sa narinig mo na lang "Doors closing."

Gusto mong habulin before i-translate sa Arabic. Pero nakaharang pa din sya.

Medyo masaklap

CarizzCruzem

Pano mo malalaman na sobra na ang oras na ginugugol mo sa paggamit ng computer?

Nag-a-ayos ka ng pisikal na papel tas nawala ka sa bilang. Ang unang solusyon na naisip mo eh Ctrl+Z.

Tas naisip mo na ngang para kang ewan pero yung kamay mo pilit na bumabali-baligtad at parang nagbabakasakali pa sila na matandaan nila ang previous action.