For the last two weeks, I've been busy. I didn't have time to go to OJT. And to top it all off, I'm not even sure if I'll graduate this coming April though I worked my ass off. It's because of pre-defense which was scheduled yesterday, the last day of Prefinal-Examination.

This whole week was filled with times in front of the computer... my computer, school's computer, my other classmates' computer... and I bring my flash memory with me so I could sneak in a "session of debugging" whenever and wherever situation permitted me to do so. Yeah, debug... debug... debug.

And, the thing is, I got rid of bugs only yesterday... yeah, yeah, I'm that bad a student! Then I tried to save it to a diskette, only to find out that it exceeded diskette capacity. I tried to save it to the flash memory, but no, the flash memory was bewitched. It couldn't be detected. So I had to buy a cd and burn my program. Hmmm... oh well...

In the pre-defense room, I was quite nervous and quiet. I kept thinking that I overlooked a bug and the whole thing wouldn't work at all. Then I overheard a panel remarked about some "landslide". I couldn't help but ask what happened. Yeah, I'm that snoopy a girl... errr a lady... errr a woman? Whatever!

It shocked me, but the pre-defense got the better of me. It was alright. I didn't cry. Everyone was smiling. The program needs minor adjustments and some additions. I am content...

When I got home, I just slept. I didn't even eat. And then while sleeping, I remembered that I didn't eat the whole day yesterday. Oh well, I could hear my stomach grumbling now.

Then this morning, the reality of what happened in Leyte sets in. I searched for the words "Philippines+mudslide" and websites from giant news network popped up.

Ultra stampede and then this. The stampede didn't get as much as attention from all over the world, but this one did. I even found an Irish news network that has an article about the mudslide.

Well today is Sunday... and my dad kept asking me to bathe already because we'll be late for church. I will write more later... if God permits it that I'm still alive and well...

[Update]

What happened there was terrible. They said the reason behind the mudslide was deforestation. Few trees hold the earth. So whose fault was that?

The reason I'm ranting about that mudslide is the child I saw in the photo--one of the victims. Children move me the most. It pains me to see children hurting. It seemed an unjust affair for them to be included in this dire setting.

When I realized, or almost feel, what these people are facing right now, I feel ashamed of my actions these past few days. I've been cranky the whole two weeks that passed. I still think I don't deserve to be treated the way they did. But, hey, my life isn't in danger. I know I said I wanted to end everything. But when I think about it, one question pervades my thought process, "Am I ready to face my eternity?" I doubt...

I just hope... hmmm... well I wish things are better.

They're not though... so... hmmm...

Currently feeling: confused
Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 19, 2006 at 02:34 AM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

nothing is working right this morning.

it's a new year... but things in the past have their claws on me.

my brother had an accident. he's just 15 but he knows how to drive a motorbike. so yeah, the old lady he crashed into is in the hospital right now and is in a terrible condition.

people will definitely not connect me to the accident, but my parents can still find a way to somehow blame it on me. every bad thing that happens in this family is blamed on me.

why? well because i was a bad daughter. no good thing can i do now could erase the bad things i did... be it nine years ago. to them, i'm still that bad daughter.

when my other siblings do bad things, i'm always the perfect example of the consequence of being bad. whatever it might be... even small things like not obliging to their command of going to the store to buy a 2-peso biscuit... they sure to mention my name and go over to the bad things i did. funny. even if i was when the bad thing happened, making my way through the labyrinth that is a market and with fingers turning blue from carrying a heavy load of viand... i'll still be blamed.

i try to do good things. i try being nice. i try smiling even when i feel like crying. but no... those things are not enough... will never be enough. it hurts.

it's not a good feeling. i hate feeling this way. i don't want to feel this way.

i realized, while walking a kilometer from the market to our eatery, i feel this way because i'm expecting too much and because i think i'm important. well, i think it's time to change my mindset.

i am not important and i should not expect good things to happen. so that when something bad happens, i won't get hurt. if people do bad things to me, it's because i am not important. but i should also try to do just right because i don't want to bother people. i was thinking of running in the street when a truck passed by. but then, i stopped. i realized that i shouldn't do that. why? well because the flow of everyone's job would get interrupted. the truck would stop, or if it would be a hit and run, they'll be guilty. and my family would go through the process of my burial. they're not that heartless as to just throw me into the river. so yeah, i don't want them to go through all that.

so now, i'm trying not to get hurt by thinking that things are because i am not important.

this morning, our computer wouldn't work. the programs i've been working on for the past two weeks are saved in this computer. sleepless nights, skipped meals, beatings from my brother, and scoldings from everyone would be nulled.

i won't care about much anymore. why? well because if i do, i'd get hurt. i feel strong about people throwing their garbage in the street. they unwrap their candy and then just drop the wrapper. people get a lecture from me because of that. and when people are discriminated, i'm the first one to retaliate against the oppressor. but i won't do that anymore. why should i? why should i care for the nature? why should i care for this little people? no. now, i'll be unimportant and forget my principles.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 11, 2006 at 03:21 AM in My thoughts | 4 flew with me

i've been planning to write my first blog in 2006.

i wanted it to be a blast... something positive or funny... but not this.

i don't even know what to say.

i guess you have an idea of what i'm trying to say here.

Sad. Pathetic. Stupid. That’s how I describe the accident in ultra today—the wowowee accident.

I just came in the office where I’m having my OJT when Ate Bheng asked me if I’ve heard the news. News? What news? I was in school from 7 till 10:30 that morning. That was when I realized that everyone in the room was gloomy. As I listened to the news, I can’t help but feel agitated because of the stupidity of what had happened.

I’m not blaming anyone here, ok. I should make that clear. But then, if you look at the proceedings, it’s just plain sad. The people who got killed, mostly women, were just ordinary people trying to better their lives... their luck in the wowowee show. I don’t believe that they went all the way from Pangasinan to Manila just to see some not-so-popular stars in person. No. What drove them to go out of their way and fall-in-line for three consecutive days in the heat of the sun in the cold of the night was to survive the life that the Philippine government is bombarding on us. And they were the ones who were hit the hardest. Makes your problem seem petty huh.

Just like the irate customer who came this afternoon because she received a call out by 171 reminding her of her unpaid telephone bill. She got all worked out—shouted even, because she knew she paid already and the system backed up her statements. Sure it was irritating. But hell-o! People do commit mistakes. Can’t she let it pass? If she can just stop thinking about herself for a minute and look at the television screen, I’m sure she’d be too ashamed of her reaction and leave the office head bowed.

I mean, just look, people are dying just to bring a little food on their plate… not even table… just their plate and here she is, shouting, too angry to calm down because of some stupid call out! Come on! Look at the boy, mere 4 years old, crying, all alone beside her mother’s still body—dead.

I guess, luck and their survival instinct didn’t warn them of their impending ghastly fate. I wonder how the boy feels…

it's just sad...

...and stupid,

Currently watching: the news
Currently feeling: morose
Posted by CarizzCruzem on February 4, 2006 at 12:11 PM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

I joined the volleyball team again. I had a little doubt at first. Well… because… I was still a little afraid of balls… and… I changed section. Meaning, my team would play against last team’s volleyball women’s champion. But then I realized it was alright. I soon realized that I improved. I mean, I didn’t have any practice at all in between last year’s sportsfest and this year’s. So I was happy, no, euphoric! And also, that I didn’t need to be on the “champion” team. I realized that I just need to give my best. No pressure to win, just play and enjoy the play while at it.

Then came October 6, the start of the sportsfest. I was late… as usual. But I figured I didn’t miss anything… just the shame of walking a two-kilometer-parade in the stretch of heavily trafficked road with a banner that says “Enrollment is now going on” on the bottom with font almost as big as the word “SPORTFEST”. Yeah, they forgot to put the second “s”. Man! The school administration would go that low with their money-making device. I mean, it was sportsfest! Could they rest their evil desire just for three days?! And what a shame! From the town plaza to the sportsfest venue, the parade passed other four schools. I’m sure they’re now thinking that the teachers and students in the school I’m attending are stupid bunch of egostistical misspell-ers that couldn’t spell the word sportsfest correctly and even paraded on a banner the misspelled word as if our lives depended on it, what with the “enrollment is now going on” thing!!!

Well anyways, when I arrived, they were singing the school hymn. No actually, there was only one singing because no one else knew the lyrics of the school hymn. Our hymn is actually nice. But I don’t know why the school doesn’t put an effort to teach us the hymn.

First competition was cheering. Basketball and volleyball were played in sequence, while badminton was played on the side. Then on the third day, when basketball, volleyball and badminton were done, was the competition for muse and escort.

I was happy with my play this year. I mean, I hit some outside ball and didn’t hit some inside ball, but overall it was alright. Unlike last year, when ALL the ball I hit went outside. Our women’s volleyball team was the champion! YEYS!!! We were ecstatic because it was unexpected. I mean, we didn’t anticipate winning more than two games, much more bagging the championship! The competition was against other sections not by level or by course. So yeah, it was a little more than challenging and add the fact that our team’s players weren’t really players. We have only one real volleyball player. And as I’ve heard, she was looked down before by her own former teammates. The rest of the team just knew how to play that was why we were chosen. So you see, we were really in high spirits! I mean, at first, we didn’t like the idea of having sportsfest in the middle of nerve-racking and brain-draining projects! Winning was an added bonus! Aside from that volleyball championship trophy, we got 6 more trophies from other competition categories. We also got a couple of medals. And I’m proud to say that we were the overall champion for this year’s sportsfest!!!

However, as were jubilant for being the overall champion, the cellphone of the team captain of our basketball team was snatched. Hmmm… party spoiler!

Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 22, 2005 at 08:35 PM in My thoughts | 2 flew with me

So I was done telling about my first and second phobias. As I’ve said, I was over with the first phobia.

During my first year in the school I’m attending now, we had our sportsfest. It was a different setup of sportsfest. Usually, sportsfest is a one-week event, or at least three days, and we’re talking about consecutive days here. It was different because that sportsfest was just a two-day event and a week apart. Yes, as in, we, I mean they played one Saturday and then, we played again for championship the following Saturday. Ok, before you all get confused with the pronouns, hear me first.

I have this fear of ball, yes, even smaller and lighter ones like ping-pong ball. I wanted to be precise in the term “ball-phobia” and for added dramatic effect, so I researched on phobia list. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see “fear of ball” in any of the “extensive” phobia lists. Obviously, it wasn’t extensive enough. Anyways, since most phobia terms came from Greek word, I coined my own ball-phobia term… hehe… who said I couldn’t?!?! Ousphobia… there! But with this kind of phobia, I have a reason. As far as I can remember, whenever I came near a court, the ball always found its way to me. I tried hiding behind some other people, but somehow, the beguiled ball still found some way to hit me. Not a mild brush on hand, but mind you on the HEAD and HARD and that was ALWAYS!!! And since my reflex wasn’t fast enough to at least move away from the ball’s path or catch the ball or strike the ball back, I always end up going home with a baby head protruding from the mother head, yes, I always got bump on my head. I think the continual blow on my head somehow damages some brain cells that affect my attitude that’s why I’m like this. Hmmm… just a thought.

Well anyways, so that was the reason why I didn’t go anywhere near a court. There was this one instance when we went to Chiang Mai. There was a ping-pong court there. I mean, it was just a little ball, right? What could be the harm in sitting beside those people enjoying the game, or so I thought. DO-o-O-o-OWNG! I couldn’t be more wrong! As I was fixing in warming the seat and getting comfortable, where else would the stupid ping-pong hit but smack in between my eyes!!! That was the last straw. Since then, I never went any where nearer anyone playing ball. If I had to pass a court, I’d be more than willing to go through the long cut even by myself just to NOT be near it.

So now, here enters the weird sportsfest. My classmates asked me to join the volleyball team as the class had only few players. I refused even before they finished asking. I told them of my ball-fear. Thankfully, they understood. I was sure that if I joined, the ball would somehow always go to me and I’d just stand there and do nothing out of fear. And so the sportsfest started. While they were playing, I’ve decided to do something about my fear. I mean, I don’t want to go through the rest of my life avoiding balls! So that was it.

That week before the sportsfest resumed, I practiced with my classmates. I wasn’t any good at it, but at least, I mustered enough courage to hit the ball when it came my way. D-Day came. I found out in our practice that I could serve pretty good. But the goodness ended in serving. The ball always went outside when it came to me. And my calculations of out and in was really bad because there were times when the ball came my way and I didn’t hit not because I was still afraid but because I thought it was out… but humiliatingly in.

Soon, I got too many serious mistakes that I asked to be replaced. The mistakes were too apparent and almost cost our game that when I came back to the bench I heard some insults and it was more insulting because it wasn’t said directly to my face but to the air. But I didn’t say anything back. At least, now, I know, I am not afraid of any kind of ball anymore and no one could take away that feeling of accomplishment in me even the most damaging insults. Yeys!

Oh by the way, my team was the champion in volleyball.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 22, 2005 at 08:34 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

Onto the second phobia… frogs!!! No, I’m not over that yet. It’s not just any kind of frog. It’s the kind that jumps and sticks to your skin. I’m having a little panic-attack now.

Oh well! I remember back in high school. It was Christmas and we had “monito, monita”. The bell just rang indicating the end of the day’s recess and resume of class. As I was walking back to my cubicle (my school adopts a home school curriculum so we had our own workstation), I saw a white box lying on the top of my booth. I opened it and what else would I see but two green eyes blinking at me. I was caught rooted to where I was standing. I could feel my head getting bigger and cold sweat coming out of me. There was a couple of seconds silence and then the hideous thing jumped out to my face. And that did it. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! Everyone heard an ear-splitting shriek from me and in lightning speed I was in the farthest corner of the room. I cried. I didn’t care that I was 17 and crying like a one-year old in a thunderstorm. I saw the frog leaped and stuck from one cubicle to the next.

I felt betrayed. I mean, those people were living with me for almost a year already and they knew I had this thing with that kind of frog! Who would do such a repulsive prank? I had but one word that I instinctively and repeatedly said while crying to my indignation’s content… “Daddy”. I kept saying “Daddy”.

It is worth noting because that time I had not seen my Dad for some months and would not be able to see for many months after. And he was miles away from me. I was separated from my family when I was in my last year in high school. But that story is for another entry, not now. So yeah, that was the only word I uttered the whole damn crying time. I wanted to be enveloped in my father’s arms and reassured that everything would be alright. But I guess my relationship with my father would never be like that. Now that I’m thinking about it, if my Dad was there, I think he would think me silly, give me a disgusted look and say “Grow up!” If he was there and I ran up to him, he’d probably push me away and tell me to fix the scene I’d made by myself. Hmmm… Nonetheless, that was still the word I uttered… “Dad”.

To this day, I still don’t know who did that prank to me. Hmmm… I am too depressed to write my third and hopefully last phobia. So you’d have to wait until tomorrow.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 22, 2005 at 08:26 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

I wanted to be politically correct in the sense of the word “phobia”, so I read up a little bit on the subject. Phobia isn’t just being afraid of something. As I’ve understood, phobia is more like senseless escalated panic-attack. Senseless because one might experience those heightened anxiety reaction for no reason at all.

Having said that… I confess… I have three phobias or should I say, I had two phobias and has one now. When I was little, I was afraid of being confined in a tomb alive. But, who isn’t, right? I could say that it was a phobia because it consumed me. And it was definitely senseless because I would suddenly perspire and feel cold at the same time and my heartbeat racing and feel too dizzy I end up throwing up because of that thought! And sometimes, I didn’t get any sleep at all because I was afraid that I might wake up inside a tomb and nobody would be able to find me alive. Let me just clarify it… confined in a coffin, I could handle that because there is a chance of some people hearing me shouting inside a box; but tomb, hell no!!! I mean, it is layers of hard cement!!! Come ON!!! No one would be able to hear you, even if you shout from the top of your lungs and thump and punch and kick all you want. It would be ALL in VAIN! But I could safely say that I’m over that now because I only get goose bumps now and then when the thought comes up… just like now. I don’t know how I got over that phobia, I just did, and I’m glad I did. It wasn’t cool having phobia.

The second phobia is for tomorrow.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 22, 2005 at 08:15 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

Haven’t been able to check my blog for quite some time now. Hehe… very bad of me… hehe.

Well, anyways, as I know I’m gonna be very busy this semester (what with the OJT and all that), I better update my journal entries before my entry ideas pile up higher than I could manage.

This month, I’ll be writing mostly about my activities of the past month. It was, I could humbly say, enlightening. First stop is the sportsfest. It was a three-day event, October 6-8.

Well at first, there was consensus hostility towards the idea especially among the sophomores. It was not because we didn’t like sports, but because we had too many projects to occupy our time even without the sportsfest, and not to mention, the money we would spend for the sportsfest. We would definitely be ok with the idea if it was held earlier when we didn’t have too many things to do or too many bills to pay. But with the finals coming, we had to cut ends just to meet the needs for the sportsfest. And also, we were informed of the sportsfest only a week before it was held, which would mostly explain the hostility! I mean, they could be so like sensitive as to have informed us maybe a month or two before the sportsfest, but no, with their miniscule brain, they lovingly thought of telling us A WEEK before!!!

But then, the freshmen embraced the idea and wouldn’t let go. So just to keep the camaraderie, we obliged. We didn’t like the idea at first but once we got the ball rolling everyone got very excited. We pushed the thoughts of project deadlines aside and focused on the task at hand.

I joined the volleyball team. This was where it got a little exciting and a little scary, well mostly because I’ve dreaded going within 50 m radius of anything bouncy as far back as I can remember. But you have to wait a while to hear that story. I want to build the momentum.

Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 22, 2005 at 08:12 PM in My thoughts | fly with me

Ok, have to write this fast before I could question Bryan’s ulterior motives. No, I’m not talking about the Revilla one. I’m talking about the Bryan of tonight’s Maalaala Mo Kaya episode. Man! That was so touching. Being loved in spite of not because of. You don’t need a reason to love. Love is a choice.

Hmmm… my mind is now rationalizing… hehehe… can’t help it. Yeah, maybe Bryan… hey, wait a minute… I didn’t get her name! Bad Carizz! Bad Carizz! Ok, before you get all confused, the story is like this. There is this special girl—special as in mentally challenged special—who has a neighbor named Bryan. They became friends and then, you know the drill.

Ok, so yeah, maybe Bryan has some insecurity issue because he’s not as intelligent or as successful as his other siblings and falling in love with someone like the special girl somehow soothes him into thinking that he’s not that all bad. But that is a little cruel. I’d rather think that he really do fell in-love with the special girl in spite of who she is not because of what he is.

I like that…

Currently feeling: contemplative
Posted by CarizzCruzem on November 10, 2005 at 08:39 PM in My thoughts | fly with me
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